Being the bad guy

One of the hardest things for me to accept is that, to some people I know, I will always be the bad guy. I try so hard to be kind to everyone, and I hate to think there are people in the world who don't like me, but -- because of my actions and those of others -- it is unavoidable.

There is a man of my acquaintance who I was friends with for nine years. He wanted more from me, and I was unable and unwilling to be more. I wanted so much to be nice and give him the benefit of the doubt that he would accept my platonic feelings (which I stated multiple times) and move on to someone else eventually. But he kept coming back, promising he'd respect my feelings, and then later confessing me he still wanted more. It took me far too long to realize that he was never going to stop wanting, and I was never going to stop feeling horribly guilty about it. After nine years of feeling like a terrible person while trying to "be nice", I decided the best thing for both of us was to break off the friendship entirely. If I continued trying to be a friend, he was never going to believe there was no hope. 

The break-up conversation was one of the hardest things I've ever done -- much harder than I expected it to be. He refused to let me bow out gracefully; I felt forced to say some mean things, and he fired back with more mean things. He flat-out refused to let me go. So, I was forced to freeze him out of my life. For a week he tried to contact me. He kept saying all he wanted was for me to be happy, and yet by contacting me he showed he wouldn't do the one thing I asked of him: leave me alone. At the end of that first week, I wrote an e-mail saying more mean things, mainly "Leave me alone" over and over. I resented him for making me be so unkind, so unbending. I couldn't give him hope, and I needed time to heal my own damaged heart. After that, I avoided him. It was difficult, since we had and still have many mutual friends. 

Now, whenever I meet any man who reminds me of him, I have a hard time being anything more than "nice." Even then, I end the conversation as soon as possible. I'm so afraid of being put in that position again; I can't bear it.

Apparently, I'm still not over it.

However, I won't say anything unkind about him. I may not trust that he'll ever accept or truly respect my wishes, but he is a good person and has a lot of talent, and I wish him well. I honestly do. I can't pretend I was blameless, but I can't pretend that he's a terrible person.

We see each other once in a while, and it's always a little awkward, though it seems to be less so each time. Enough time has passed that there doesn't seem to be much bitterness between us. I don't think about it as much as I used to. I still maintain that breaking off the friendship was the right thing for me to do. I still maintain that even though years have passed and he and I have both probably changed, it's still right we don't try to be friends.

Meanwhile, we still have mutual friends. Situations keep arising that bring this...complication? problem? choice? (I don't know what word to use) up and force me to defend myself to people that don't have any business asking (now I'm defending myself to you all, and you didn't even ask). Even after all this time, I feel like the bad guy. I feel like I'm making everyone else's life harder because I'm still scarred and afraid. I worry about what he says about me when asked what's going on, and I assume I'm made out to be the unfeeling witch who can't forgive. I hope he's kinder to me than that, but I don't know. 

Last night and this morning, I had to confront my decision yet again. I didn't feel it appropriate to explain myself, but I still felt judged by multiple people. I spent a good chunk of last night trying to list good things about myself so I could stop feeling so awful. After all these years, I'm still upset about it. I guess, even to myself, I'm the bad guy.

And that's when I have to accept that there are things I can't control. He might still hate me. His family might still hate me. His friends might still hate me. I might still fear that they hate me, even if they tell me otherwise. People who don't bother to ask me my side will always take his.

I saw this quote this morning, and for some reason, it helped me feel a little better: 

"The bravest people are the ones who don't mind looking like cowards." - T.H. White

I could have made the choice to remain friends with him. I might still feel like a bad friend because I didn't want to be more than friends and yet still spent time with him and unintentionally gave him hope. Instead, I chose to break the pattern and hope for something better for both of us. He deserved to find someone who loved and valued him the way he wanted, and I deserved better than to feel like a terrible friend. 

I hope it was the brave choice. I know it was the right one.

These made me giggle today

This showed up in my inbox as the "Goodreads Quote of the Day" today:

"Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!"   - Hergé

Yep, truly a reason to celebrate :-D

And then Amy posted this on Facebook:

The caption at the bottom is my favorite part.

If you just laughed out loud as I did: You're welcome!

Happy Wednesday!

A little dating help from my Bishopric

My Mid-Singles ward (consisting of individuals 31-44 years old) has had a new Bishopric for about six months. In the past couple of months, they've begun to more bold at the pulpit about how we need to get serious about pursuing marriage. And you know what? It's kind of nice. I'm not going to pretend I'm always in the mood, and sure I sometimes roll my eyes, but if I'm going to choose to be in a Singles ward what can I expect? They talk about being good mothers and fathers (and husbands and wives) in family wards, so it's only fair.

I think they've been getting bolder and more blatant because our ward does not seem to be getting smaller. I don't know how many people leave, but they read in a good 8-15 new members each week. We have about 700 members who regularly attend Sacrament meeting, three Elders Quorums, six Relief Societies, a ton of Sunday School classes (that are always full), six "counseling" couples who we can talk to if our problem doesn't necessarily require us to talk with the Bishopric, at least six regional Family Home Evening groups, and so forth. It's a little crazy. I can't even imagine being in charge of the spiritual (and in some cases physical and emotional) welfare of that many people. Our Bishopric is amazing.

I say it's a little crazy, and yet, we're the smallest of the three local Mid-Singles wards.

So, I can't blame the Bishopric for being vocal. A lot of what they say makes sense, and I think some of us (including me) need the encouragement and reminders. I sure am comfortable as a single lady. I really liked the approach one of the counselors took last week, telling the elders they should plan to spend Mother's Day next year in a home ward with the mother of their own children (they didn't say there needed to be children, yet, but there should be a wife). Cute!

In Sacrament meeting this week, the Bishop invited a former Mission President and friend of his, Mike Glauser, (who was somehow qualified to give us counsel on dating and relationships even though I wasn't listening to all of the credentials) to speak to our congregation. Bishop said we should take notes, and I'm glad that I did, because he had a lot of good things to say. Maybe they'll be of interest to some of you. I know they gave me a lot to think about.

Getting Married, Staying Married, and Building Relationships

Notes from a talk by Mike Glauser

Sunday, May 19, 2013

1) It's your choice -- God isn't going to tell you who to marry.

• Free agency is a great gift.
• Pray constantly for wisdom to recognize those you could have a successful marriage with.
• You only receive revelation for yourself -- If your date isn't feeling it, you can't make them. You have to respect their agency, too.
• When we make our own choices we are more committed to the outcome than if someone else chooses for us; you are more invested and you try harder to make it work.

2) Place yourself in circulation.

• You can't just pray for God to send you the person you're going to marry; you have to make an effort.
• We've all had relationships that didn't work out and we've all been hurt.
• YOU HAVE TO KEEP TRYING ANYWAY.
• Don't give up hope!
• Through trials and failed relationships, we learn patience, faith, fortitude, and humility; our hearts are purified and our souls expanded.
• "The wrong person is the right person to lead you to the right person."
• The more people you meet, the better choice you'll make.
• He talked about how Nordstrom is required to interview at least 10 people before they can hire someone. That way, they're able to hire the best person available.

3) Develop effective communication skills.

• Communication is a) the ability to express yourself and your life and experience, and b) the ability to listen and care about people and get to know them.
• You must be able to do both to communicate the most effectively.
• Don't be one of those people who just waits for a break in the conversation to say what you want to say, instead of listening to our conversation partner.
• Ask questions and understand what they're really saying, and not just what you think they're saying.
• Don't become hostage to your stories of pain and heartache.
• BE POSITIVE.
• People you are interesting in dating don't really want to hear about how hard your life and past experiences have been.
• Your past relationships should not be allowed to poison your current one.

4) Understand the role of physical attraction.

• Don't buy in to the fantasy -- only 1% of 1% of people fit the "Hollywood" standard.
• Initial physical attraction is only the beginning -- there has to be more than that.
• Wouldn't hurt to read How to Stop Looking for Someone Perfect and Find Someone to Love by Judith Sills
• Hormones are not great for making good choices -- being "out of your mind" in love isn't the best state of mind for choosing a life partner.
• It's okay to be average looking (thank goodness)!
• Common values, interests and attitudes build attractiveness over time.
• Become attractive in your own way
• Make friends and be a friend.
• Find someone you like to be around, makes you feel good about yourself, and makes you want to be a better person.

5) Moral cleanliness is important when choosing someone to marry.

• Immorality makes us emotional, confused, ashamed, and drives the Spirit away.
• Set rules for yourself in advance. When you get serious with someone, discuss the rules together so both of you are clear on what they are.
• When you make mistakes, repent and move on. We're human; don't spend too much time beating yourself up about it.

6) Become who you want to attract.

• Doctrine and Covenants 88 talks about how like things attract -- what we are and who we will become.
• Be very patient.
• Becoming completely perfect will take a lot of time, more than we have in this life.
• Celebrate your humanity, and just pick two or three things for now to work on physically and emotionally.
• Do things you're passionate about! It will make you more interesting and more happy!

7) At some point, commitment is required!

• "Love is not an emotion, passion, or chemistry. It is a commitment to make things work in a positive way."
• Confirmation will not come unless a commitment is made.
• 1-2 years is enough time to know if you like someone. 
• He shared a story about a woman he knew who waited eight years for her boyfriend to be ready. In the ninth year, he married her roommate.
• "It is ironic that life becomes really easy when we accept it's really hard." - Victor Frankel

8) The gospel of Jesus Christ should lead your life.

• We can't control our circumstances. but we CAN control our reaction to our circumstances.
• We agree to sacrifice and give something up.
• Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, serve others. Give. Put others ahead of yourself.
• He told a story about a woman in her forties who started to become bitter about being single. Her Bishop told her to start giving African violets to people who had lost a loved one or was experiencing similar heartache. She did it for 30 years and become known as the lady who gave flowers. She found happiness through service. Many people loved her and attended her funeral.  
• Cultivate love and compassion.
• Make a commitment to God, accept Jesus, be single to God's glory. (Pearl of Great Price, Moses 1:39)
• We will be filled with light and there will be no room for darkness or despair.
• Contribute to the world.
• Doctrine and Covenants 123: 17, "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

Funny enough (well, maybe not "ha ha" funny), I've been working on a "Dating Rant" post. I don't intend to publish it, but I've been feeling a lot of frustration lately and needed to spew it somewhere. So, I appreciated the timing and content of this talk; it gave me an opportunity to reset my attitude (or at least resume work on it). Hopefully I'll approach my next date -- whenever that is -- with a little more positivity and hope :)

Single friends: Good luck.

Married and similarly-committed friends: Keep up the good work!

I love you,

Meg

Television notes

In no particular order:

1. I am very, very disappointed that Go On wasn't renewed for a second season. The ensemble in that show was magical together. I'm going to miss Julie White's biting-and-somehow-sweet sarcasm as Anne. I hope she gets another job, soon. 
2. Hulu has been acting up lately, and I don't appreciate it, since it always seems to be during the last 5 minutes of an episode, especially a season finale. 
3. Comcast called with a good deal on a cable package. They said they wouldn't charge me for it until they mailed me some stuff and I set it up. I can't bring myself to do it. Sometimes I miss actually watching television live, but do I miss it enough to double my Comcast bill? (I still get Internet through them.) Since I'm so rarely home, I'd need DVR to make it worth my while, but I don't want that added coast. I received the set-up package two weeks ago and I'm still debating. I might just return it. 
4. I know I've said this before, but this time I really have stopped watching Glee. This season was so, so annoying, and even the music wasn't very good. I told myself that if Rachael won the role of Fanny Brice that I was done (understudy, maybe, but the lead? No.) At her final callback they didn't even ask her to sing something from Funny Girl? What? However, the season finale was so, so negative and un-uplifting. Even the surprise wedding, Patti Duke and Meredith Baxter, and Regionals music selection couldn't save it. I can't believe they are slated for two more seasons. Buh-bye, New Directions. 
5. However, if Glee did a Rachael spin-off expounding on her experience with Funny Girl -- similar to the Smash concept -- I'd probably watch it. Even though I cannot stand Lea Michele's Rachael. Can. Not. Stand. She is so overrated!
6. Speaking of Smash, I'm also sad that one is ending. The second season was so much better than the first, and I wanted to see where else they could take all of the crazy plot twists. Too bad. I also hope Megan Hilty and Christian Borle (both of whom I have seen on Broadway) get another job, soon. I'm glad that Debra Messing has one already lined up.
7. A long time ago, I decided I was watching too many shows, so I cut a bunch of them out. They were shows I liked but didn't love and was content to live without. About halfway through this season, on the advice of several trusted folks, I picked a few of them back up: Psych, Castle, and The Office. I didn't try to catch up on what I'd missed, I just started with new episodes. I'm glad I did; I like them even more now than I did then. I'm sad to see The Office go (at least this season was a funny one and they wrapped up a lot of the story lines -- hooray!!), but glad that I have other television to look forward to,
8. like a surprise season of Drop Dead Diva!! I'm so happy it was uncancelled! Thank goodness they'll have a chance to hopefully resolve last season's cliffhanger. It was a doozy! 
9. After about 7 tonight, I'm going to have to avoid Facebook and The Morning After until Saturday. *Sigh* As if it isn't tough enough catching up on my Thursday watching (Hulu doesn't offer episodes until the next morning), I don't want any spoilers for the season finale of Grey's Anatomy or the series finale of The Office. I will probably watch one (Grey's) during my lunch break tomorrow, but then I won't have a chance to catch up on the rest (including The Big Bang Theory) until Saturday morning. First World Problems, eh? No spoilers, please! (Oh, I'll also be off Facebook until I've seen Star Trek Into Darkness, so it's necessary I see that one as early as possible on Saturday, as well!)
10. I haven't watched a single episode of Dancing with the Stars this season (season 16, can you believe it?!), and I don't miss it. I've even read snippets of recaps, but I still don't feel compelled to watch. It's the end of an era for me. It was time.
11. Tonight I'll start season 3 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on Netflix. Thanks again, Stephen, for introducing me to this show. It's adorable and addictive! Sure, it's sugar-sweet and geared toward small children, but it's also smart in a way that Animaniacs was, with thinly-veiled pop-cultural references. Plus, I love the characters. I laugh any time Flutter Shy tries to raise her voice and can't ("Yay"). I kind of hope that Apple Bloom never gets her cutie mark... and I'll probably cry when she does! (Side note: Pinky Pie reminds me of my niece, Breezy, in so many wonderful ways!)
12. Looking forward to the summer and starting one or two new series on Netflix. Last year it was Doctor Who and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I haven't decided yet what this year's will be. Parenthood? The Good Wife? I'm not in a hurry to decide.

C'est tout!

An updated 2013 reading goal

Since I was 8 books ahead of where I needed to be to reach my 16 book reading goal for 2013, I increased the goal to 20 books. I'm doing pretty well with the goal so far. I might have to adjust it again later in the year. Or, I could just enjoy seeing that I've exceeded my goal. Y'know, if I DO exceed the goal ;) The next several months may not be so reading-friendly, but I might as well think positively, right? There are so many books I want to read ASAP!

...And there lies a bit of a problem. I have been so keen on getting to my goal that I'm reading faster than I should. It's become more about finishing books, and less about enjoying the stories; I haven't been letting the messages sink in very thoroughly. I have liked almost every book I have read this year, but I'd be hard-pressed to tell you what all of
them are.

Plus, people keep recommending things to me, and their passion compels me to want to read their suggestions next. This is great, except there were other books I'd planned to read this year. Maybe I'll still get some of The Wizard of Oz stories in the Fall.

Then again, the books I'm reading now are slow-going, partly because I don't have a lot of time to read.

Maybe next year I won't make a goal. It might prove to be a little more relaxing. (Did I say that last year? *Shrug*)

Then again, it is currently only the middle of May. Maybe I'll change my mind in a few months when my time and my mind free up a little :)

Happy Reading!

Birthday beauties

The Misses Breezy and Zonks with their adoring aunt

Happy birthday to the two kookiest, cleverest, kindest, cutest little girls I know! I sure am lucky to be their aunt and friend, and share with them the ways of the princess!

Picture-perfect Breezy

Gleeful Zonks

Planking

"Come on, super-spy!"

With these sugarplum fairies around, that gingerbread house didn't last long!

I love how different they are from each other, and how different my relationship with both is (though they are both perfectly content to play with me together). It's fun having girly-girls to play with. If I wear a tiara, they want to, too!

I am so excited to see this year how they continue to grow and become their own people. They really are wonderful!

Happy birthday, my darlings. I love you! 

April happenings

During April, I saw exactly one play.

I spent a LOT of evenings at home.

It was a boring month, overall.

Lesson learned.

At least it was a terrific show! Someday I want to be IN The Secret Garden, but I was happy just to watch this time, especially since so many friends were onstage AND in the audience. Such beautiful voices and a great story.

With star Mattie June and co-"evil"-sister Meighan

Kiss Me Katians: Kyle, Todd, Carrie, me, Kenn, Mandie, and Liz

Some of my very favorite women: Carrie, Liz, Mandie (isn't her dress to die for?),
the girl who played Mary (I don't know her), Julie, and Chantryce

Also in June:

Mattie June's wedding! Isn't her dress perfect?
It was such a good day. I hope the spirit at my wedding is just like it was at hers, and my groom at least as handsome and sweet.

Bride, Groom, and "evil" sister (me)
(Jokes about Meighan and I playing Mattie June's terrible
sisters in Beauty and the Beast will never get old.)

Wait, that's it? I didn't take any other photos that I haven't already posted somewhere?

Star Trek, new washer and dryer, Robin Hood... yep! That's it for photos! I really don't remember to take photos when I'm not on vacation or on a show. Oh, well.

Told you April was boring.

Lovely and happy... and boring. I enjoyed it while it lasted. May and June are going to be CRAZY!!

Woot!