The Murder House Dream

Every once in awhile, for a week at a time, I have what I call the "Murder House" dream. In it, I dream that my family (or a big group of people I love) moves into an enormous mansion. They all have bedrooms in the main part of the house, but mine is in the tower, or the attic, or the basement. It's always a gorgeous room -- more of a suite in size and fanciness, sometimes even a full apartment. But it's separate from the others who are usually all on the same floor. There are tons of stairs in the house and it's in a gorgeous location.

And then I find out that the part of the house that my room is in is haunted. There are one or more creepy ghosts who seem okay with me, but are malevolent against everyone else. Whenever I have someone over -- apologizing the whole time for the ghosts and praying that no one gets hurt -- it ticks the ghosts off and then pretty soon I start fearing for my life, too.

It doesn't take a genius analyst to interpret that I feel apart from a lot of the people in my life. They love me and include me as much as they can, but I am having a very different life experience than they are. It isn't anyone's fault. I just feel alone sometimes. And that's when the dreams emerge; when I resent my situation. When I am jealous of people who have what I want. When I feel pain when people talk about or post pictures of their families or vacation. When I have a tough time sympathizing when they complain about their home life.

When I'm having those dreams, I want to be left alone, and at the same time I wish I were more included. I wish I had a reason to get out of bed on Saturdays.

I don't know who to talk to when I feel this way. Actually, I don't WANT to talk about it, because I don't want people feeling sorry for me, because there is nothing they can do. I don't want them to change, or walk on tiptoe around me, or feel embarrassed by their good fortune and hard work and any adjacent struggles.

Worse, I don't want them saying "I wish I were in your shoes" or "At least you don't have to worry about..." and then making it about themselves. I don't want to have to take care of someone else when I'm already feeling sorry for myself. That definitely doesn't help.

I know that even when I marry I'll feel like this from time to time. Sadness. Loneliness. Everyone does. It's part of life. And that's okay.

I guess I just need to give myself a break and allow myself to feel sad. It'll pass. It isn't in my nature to stay sad for very long.

I really hate that dream, though.