Every once in awhile, for a week at a time, I have what I call the "Murder House" dream. In it, I dream that my family (or a big group of people I love) moves into an enormous mansion. They all have bedrooms in the main part of the house, but mine is in the tower, or the attic, or the basement. It's always a gorgeous room -- more of a suite in size and fanciness, sometimes even a full apartment. But it's separate from the others who are usually all on the same floor. There are tons of stairs in the house and it's in a gorgeous location.
And then I find out that the part of the house that my room is in is haunted. There are one or more creepy ghosts who seem okay with me, but are malevolent against everyone else. Whenever I have someone over -- apologizing the whole time for the ghosts and praying that no one gets hurt -- it ticks the ghosts off and then pretty soon I start fearing for my life, too.
It doesn't take a genius analyst to interpret that I feel apart from a lot of the people in my life. They love me and include me as much as they can, but I am having a very different life experience than they are. It isn't anyone's fault. I just feel alone sometimes. And that's when the dreams emerge; when I resent my situation. When I am jealous of people who have what I want. When I feel pain when people talk about or post pictures of their families or vacation. When I have a tough time sympathizing when they complain about their home life.
When I'm having those dreams, I want to be left alone, and at the same time I wish I were more included. I wish I had a reason to get out of bed on Saturdays.
I don't know who to talk to when I feel this way. Actually, I don't WANT to talk about it, because I don't want people feeling sorry for me, because there is nothing they can do. I don't want them to change, or walk on tiptoe around me, or feel embarrassed by their good fortune and hard work and any adjacent struggles.
Worse, I don't want them saying "I wish I were in your shoes" or "At least you don't have to worry about..." and then making it about themselves. I don't want to have to take care of someone else when I'm already feeling sorry for myself. That definitely doesn't help.
I know that even when I marry I'll feel like this from time to time. Sadness. Loneliness. Everyone does. It's part of life. And that's okay.
I guess I just need to give myself a break and allow myself to feel sad. It'll pass. It isn't in my nature to stay sad for very long.
I really hate that dream, though.
Showing posts with label thoughtful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughtful. Show all posts
Saturday, April 22
Thursday, April 21
Back in the metaphorical workforce saddle again!
I have a new job -- hallelujah!
Even better, it's with a great company who wants to pay me 20% more than I was getting paid last year at this time (before the raise, but still awesome), and people who I like. I've worked there before as a short-term contract writer, and now I finally have a full-time place with them. Instead of technical writing, I'll be doing instructional design. It's a big career change. Instead of creating PDFs and online help, I'll make how-to videos. I don't know the software I'll be writing about, or many of the tools. Yet.
I was unemployed for 12 weeks, and went through several stages of grief (over and over). It was an awful time. Larissa commented shortly after I accepted my new job that she knew I'd be all right, and she hoped when I lost my job that I'd relax and enjoy my unemployment, and she knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't enjoy it -- and I didn't. I worry about money when I have a job, but not having a job was horrible.
During this time of joblessness, I learned a lot about my relationship with God and with my Savior, Jesus Christ. They took amazing care of me. I went to the temple almost every week those first two months. He sent angels to buy me dinner and shower me with love and support. I had some trouble with unemployment, but miraculously the day I ran out of severance money, the first two unemployment checks finally landed in my bank account. When I was at my most low, I felt most strongly the support of the Holy Ghost. I was inspired to apply for the jobs I did when I did, and it lead me to where I know I need to be. I hated this trial, and I'm still not thrilled I had to go through it, but I am grateful that I did not deal with it alone.
I started my new job nearly two weeks ago. That first week was brutal. Learning about the new company, processes, software, job, people, and building was like drinking from a firehose. It still feels like that. I'm learning slowly. Add on the fact that I got used to taking naps in the afternoon and forgot how exhausting it is to work a full day. Monday and Tuesday last week, all I could do when I got home was sit on the couch and force myself to stay awake until bedtime. Falling asleep was no problem.
My coworkers are crazy-supportive and kind and fun. Today at our daily stand-up, I realized that I feel like I belong. I like the four people with whom I spend the most time. I have other friends there who I have been out to lunch with a few times. It already feels like home in a way I never felt at my last workplace. I am lucky.
I am a different woman than I was in January. I don't know how long I will carry the scars of rejection and fear and loss from my layoff. Eventually, I'll feel confident in the work, and eventually I'll stop feeling resentful of and hurt by my previous job. It'll take time, but someday, I'll feel safe again.
It feels good to be useful. It feels good to not have to worry about where my next paycheck is coming from. It's a new beginning.
It's gonna be good.
Even better, it's with a great company who wants to pay me 20% more than I was getting paid last year at this time (before the raise, but still awesome), and people who I like. I've worked there before as a short-term contract writer, and now I finally have a full-time place with them. Instead of technical writing, I'll be doing instructional design. It's a big career change. Instead of creating PDFs and online help, I'll make how-to videos. I don't know the software I'll be writing about, or many of the tools. Yet.
I was unemployed for 12 weeks, and went through several stages of grief (over and over). It was an awful time. Larissa commented shortly after I accepted my new job that she knew I'd be all right, and she hoped when I lost my job that I'd relax and enjoy my unemployment, and she knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't enjoy it -- and I didn't. I worry about money when I have a job, but not having a job was horrible.
Even so, I didn't jump into the search right away. I took a break until I went to New York. After that trip, there were weeks of terror and self-flagellation and stress and anxiety in regards to getting my resume ready, and looking for jobs, and interviewing*. I interviewed at my new company the first time right before FanX, and had two other interviews the next week. Interviewing is the absolute worst, you guys. People really DO ask questions like, "Name you five favorite/least favorite things" and "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Ugh. Thank goodness that first interview was with a friend, because my answers were rough.
When I got the call offering me the job, I was so, so sick. I thought the HR rep was going to say I didn't get it (he needs some work on his word choice and tone of voice), so I was shocked when he said I was the person they wanted. When he shared the proposed salary, I sat down on the carpet and quietly started crying. After all I'd been through, being rejected by my previous job and then again by multiple companies where I'd applied and who didn't even want to meet me, I was going to be okay.
*BTW, as of my latest job, I have received an offer for every job I've interviewed for since I was 23. The streak may not last forever, but it's pretty darn cool!
During this time of joblessness, I learned a lot about my relationship with God and with my Savior, Jesus Christ. They took amazing care of me. I went to the temple almost every week those first two months. He sent angels to buy me dinner and shower me with love and support. I had some trouble with unemployment, but miraculously the day I ran out of severance money, the first two unemployment checks finally landed in my bank account. When I was at my most low, I felt most strongly the support of the Holy Ghost. I was inspired to apply for the jobs I did when I did, and it lead me to where I know I need to be. I hated this trial, and I'm still not thrilled I had to go through it, but I am grateful that I did not deal with it alone.
I started my new job nearly two weeks ago. That first week was brutal. Learning about the new company, processes, software, job, people, and building was like drinking from a firehose. It still feels like that. I'm learning slowly. Add on the fact that I got used to taking naps in the afternoon and forgot how exhausting it is to work a full day. Monday and Tuesday last week, all I could do when I got home was sit on the couch and force myself to stay awake until bedtime. Falling asleep was no problem.My coworkers are crazy-supportive and kind and fun. Today at our daily stand-up, I realized that I feel like I belong. I like the four people with whom I spend the most time. I have other friends there who I have been out to lunch with a few times. It already feels like home in a way I never felt at my last workplace. I am lucky.
I am a different woman than I was in January. I don't know how long I will carry the scars of rejection and fear and loss from my layoff. Eventually, I'll feel confident in the work, and eventually I'll stop feeling resentful of and hurt by my previous job. It'll take time, but someday, I'll feel safe again.
It feels good to be useful. It feels good to not have to worry about where my next paycheck is coming from. It's a new beginning.
It's gonna be good.
Wednesday, February 3
Happy 2016!
As I reflect on the old year and think about who I want to be during the new, I've come to a conclusion:
I need to be more grateful.
I don't like to dwell on the negative for long. I make a point at looking at the silver lining.
I also feel jealous of my friends who have things I think I want, judgment when I see others behaving badly, and anger when treated badly.
I know that these feelings are normal from time to time. I don't want to make them a habit. So, I am choosing to look for the grateful. Because, let's be honest, the only one who suffers long-term for my negativity is me. And why make myself suffer any more than I have to? That seems silly.
It is amusing to me that only a few weeks into the new year and this determination, I lost my job. This is a BIG TEST! I'm not handling it entirely well. I have been crabby a lot in the last three weeks. But I am aware of the Pros along with the Cons, and one of the big Pros is that my friends have been coming out of the woodwork to help in whatever way they can.
Food, phone calls, text messages, job options, quality time, hugs, prayers, willingness to talk about something other than losing my job, books to keep me from getting bored, advice NOT to start looking right away if I don't feel like it, and so many other sweet gestures. How can I feel ungrateful when I have so much?
This gratitude thing will be a challenge. Life is going to happen and it will sometimes suck. Hopefully, losing my job will be the worst thing that happens to me this year. At least I have a good support system and a tiny bit of money saved if I need it.
Or, maybe gratitude will become a habit and it won't be a challenge after a while. Maybe it will be easy sooner than I think.
Let's find out, shall we?
I need to be more grateful.
I also feel jealous of my friends who have things I think I want, judgment when I see others behaving badly, and anger when treated badly.
I know that these feelings are normal from time to time. I don't want to make them a habit. So, I am choosing to look for the grateful. Because, let's be honest, the only one who suffers long-term for my negativity is me. And why make myself suffer any more than I have to? That seems silly.
It is amusing to me that only a few weeks into the new year and this determination, I lost my job. This is a BIG TEST! I'm not handling it entirely well. I have been crabby a lot in the last three weeks. But I am aware of the Pros along with the Cons, and one of the big Pros is that my friends have been coming out of the woodwork to help in whatever way they can.
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| The first Monday I didn't go to work, I asked my Facebook friends if anyone was making cupcakes and if I could have one. Within 24 hours, I'd been gifted with lemon cake, chocolate/caramel cake pops, fudge, and chocolate muffins, and made a date to make cupcakes the next week. |
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| Samoa cupcakes: chocolate with chocolate ganache and caramel/coconut mixture on top |
Food, phone calls, text messages, job options, quality time, hugs, prayers, willingness to talk about something other than losing my job, books to keep me from getting bored, advice NOT to start looking right away if I don't feel like it, and so many other sweet gestures. How can I feel ungrateful when I have so much?
This gratitude thing will be a challenge. Life is going to happen and it will sometimes suck. Hopefully, losing my job will be the worst thing that happens to me this year. At least I have a good support system and a tiny bit of money saved if I need it.
Or, maybe gratitude will become a habit and it won't be a challenge after a while. Maybe it will be easy sooner than I think.
Let's find out, shall we?
Monday, November 9
Tuesday, October 27
Vulnerable
Last week at church, Jim* approached me and said that his friend Kurt* wanted to meet me. I was more than a little flustered (especially since I was already talking with a young man) but managed to finagle a four-way conversation so I could meet and talk with Kurt (Thanks, Tim, for being my wingman and keeping Jim busy). Kurt was seriously handsome. Handsome enough that I thought, "Of all the girls in the ward he wanted to meet me?" Honestly, men with his looks and easy-going manner don't talk with me very much, much less seek me out. After a few minutes of fairly normal questions and witty banter on his part and slightly off-kilter banter on mine, he told me that he lives out of state and asked if he could Friend me on Facebook. Impressed and still a little flustered, I said sure and told him my last name. He told me his last name and I said I'll be looking for him.
I did not hear from Kurt last week. I figured it was because my privacy settings restrict searches to friends of friends only, but I did a little checking and he IS the friend of a friend, so that might not be a problem. I figured, even if I never hear from him, at least our conversation was a boost to my self-esteem.
This week, Jim found me after Sunday School and launched into this explanation about how Kurt had recently dated a tall, gorgeous model/actress. Since I'd already been thinking Kurt was too good for me, all my insecurities kicked in. Of course he dates gorgeous models. I know my insecurity and "why is he telling me this??" thoughts showed up on my face, because suddenly Jim stopped and said, "I'm trying to have a serious conversation and you're making faces." I apologized rather lamely, wishing he'd stop talking about my gorgeous competition. He seemed to accept the apology, and that's when Jim said Kurt dumped the model and was looking for a "wholesome" girl. I wanted to be flattered, but that kicked up my insecurity even more since the last time someone said I was wholesome it was NOT meant as a compliment. Poor Jim had no idea. He just wanted to fill me in on Kurt so I'd know that even though Kurt lives out of state he's made long-distance relationships work before. I guess that means I should have hope?
Even though I still haven't heard from Kurt.
Meanwhile, I'm Facebook friends with Jim now, so at least Kurt has another way to find me. If he wants to. We'll see.
(Before you ask, no, I'm not going to Friend him. He said he's going to Friend me, and I'm going to let him take the initiative if he wants to.)
I guess the point of this post is to remind myself that even though I like who I am, I'm vulnerable, especially when faced with a man I like. I'm scared to be too nerdy, too silly, too spastic, too thoughtless, too quiet, not quiet enough. And then I become all those things.
I just keep hoping that even if I AM all those things (and I know there's nothing wrong with that), if a man likes me, he won't mind. It will be endearing and adorable. I'm not a model, but I am pretty darn adorable sometimes.
And if he does mind that I'm awkward and silly, there isn't much I can do about it anyway.
Through no fault of Jim or Kurt's, I was extra vulnerable on Sunday. I can learn from that and try to be more confident and in the moment next time. Listen to what he's saying without worrying about what he might or might not mean. And remember that sometimes men are vulnerable, too.
Especially when they ask to meet a strange girl at church.
*Not their real names
I did not hear from Kurt last week. I figured it was because my privacy settings restrict searches to friends of friends only, but I did a little checking and he IS the friend of a friend, so that might not be a problem. I figured, even if I never hear from him, at least our conversation was a boost to my self-esteem.
This week, Jim found me after Sunday School and launched into this explanation about how Kurt had recently dated a tall, gorgeous model/actress. Since I'd already been thinking Kurt was too good for me, all my insecurities kicked in. Of course he dates gorgeous models. I know my insecurity and "why is he telling me this??" thoughts showed up on my face, because suddenly Jim stopped and said, "I'm trying to have a serious conversation and you're making faces." I apologized rather lamely, wishing he'd stop talking about my gorgeous competition. He seemed to accept the apology, and that's when Jim said Kurt dumped the model and was looking for a "wholesome" girl. I wanted to be flattered, but that kicked up my insecurity even more since the last time someone said I was wholesome it was NOT meant as a compliment. Poor Jim had no idea. He just wanted to fill me in on Kurt so I'd know that even though Kurt lives out of state he's made long-distance relationships work before. I guess that means I should have hope?
Even though I still haven't heard from Kurt.
(Before you ask, no, I'm not going to Friend him. He said he's going to Friend me, and I'm going to let him take the initiative if he wants to.)
I guess the point of this post is to remind myself that even though I like who I am, I'm vulnerable, especially when faced with a man I like. I'm scared to be too nerdy, too silly, too spastic, too thoughtless, too quiet, not quiet enough. And then I become all those things.
I just keep hoping that even if I AM all those things (and I know there's nothing wrong with that), if a man likes me, he won't mind. It will be endearing and adorable. I'm not a model, but I am pretty darn adorable sometimes.
And if he does mind that I'm awkward and silly, there isn't much I can do about it anyway.
Through no fault of Jim or Kurt's, I was extra vulnerable on Sunday. I can learn from that and try to be more confident and in the moment next time. Listen to what he's saying without worrying about what he might or might not mean. And remember that sometimes men are vulnerable, too.
Especially when they ask to meet a strange girl at church.
Thursday, October 8
My Mirror of Erised
She believed, of course... because without something to believe in, life would be intolerable.
- Rosamunde Pilcher
Last night, I dreamed that someone mentioned my baby. I started talking about him, and then stopped and realized that I hadn't seen him in a long time. My son was living with another family and I hadn't even though about him for months. I couldn't remember what he looked like. I tore my house apart and couldn't find a single photo.
My mom had a photo of the day the little boy was born, but she didn't want to show it to me because I had a terrible look on my face. She said that I was very unhappy the day he was born. She showed me the photo (apparently developed by wizards because the baby and I were moving in it), and I was crying and complaining. That's when I started trying to figure out who the father was. (Why am I never married in my baby/pregnancy dreams?) I knew who he was but I couldn't remember sleeping with him. Of course, it all wrecked the proposal from my actual boyfriend (who apparently was going to propose to me at a regency ball).
I ended the dream trying to decide if I should let the family who was already caring for him adopt him. I knew I didn't want to be a single mom. I didn't want the baby to ruin my chances yet again. When I awoke, it took a while to clear away the cobwebs and remember that I don't have a baby of my own. I've never been pregnant. I've never given a child away.
* * * * * * * *
I have a great life. I have a fantastic family, tremendous friends, and amazing opportunities to work and serve and learn to be a better person. I am grateful. Should nothing ever change, I know that I am a lucky woman.
But there's always a part of me that longs for the husband and children I've always wanted and planned for. My often-content brain won't let me be so happy that I forget there is more than what I have now (hence, last night's dream). I enjoy the life I have now. I hope to share it with a family of my own in the not-too-distant future.
I've wanted for a long time to draw a picture of the image that would appear for me in the Mirror of Erised. I finally took the time to do it today:
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| "I show not your face but your heart's desire." - JK Rowling |
It isn't a perfect picture, but life isn't perfect, either, even when you get what you think you wish for.
Not a bad dream to hope for, though :)
Monday, September 28
Favorite memes: Advice from Joy
Thank you Love Bug Cakes and Cookies and Between the Pages for the reminder today!
This is a quote from Inside Out and I love it.
Tuesday, September 1
Wednesday, June 24
Isn't it strange how life won't flow, like a river, but moves in jumps, and if it were held back by locks that are opened now and then to let it jump forwards in a kind of flood?
-- Anita Desai
I'm in one of those "held back by locks" periods, enjoying the reality of my "now" and the anticipation of my "someday."
Life is stressful. Life is fun. Life is hopeful. Life is unexpected.
Life is crazy.
Isn't it wonderful?
Friday, June 19
15 of my favorite feelings
The vlogbrothers are two brothers -- Hank Green and John Green (the author of The Fault in Our Stars) -- who each post a video blog once a week to keep in touch and discuss what is on their minds. Hank and John are both nerdy and socio-concious. Their posts vary from being extremely insightful to wonderfully silly. Their motto is "Don't forget to be awesome" or DFTBA!
I like their videos a lot.
Hank posted a video with a list of what he calls his "15 favorite feelings" and it made me smile 'cause, yeah, I like these things, too!!
And now I am inspired to write my own list. (Forgive me if I steal from Hank a little.) In no particular order:
I like their videos a lot.
Hank posted a video with a list of what he calls his "15 favorite feelings" and it made me smile 'cause, yeah, I like these things, too!!
And now I am inspired to write my own list. (Forgive me if I steal from Hank a little.) In no particular order:
- Hugging or cuddling a small child.
- Fitting back into clothes I once outgrew. (As Bette Midler's character says in The First Wives' Club, "It's better than new!")
- Not wanting to work out and doing it anyway.
- Throwing together a bunch of somewhat random ingredients with no recipe and coming away with a surprisingly tasty meal.
- A friend I admire and value telling me he/she admires and values me.
- A sincere "Thank you."
- Finishing a story (I get interrupted a lot).
- Finally getting a "Yes" after a ton of "Nos."
- A text or phone call from out of the blue.
- Vacuum lines in my carpet at home.
- Finishing a good book.
- Each check mark on a list.
- In-depth conversations about nerdy things like superheroes, Harry Potter, Star Wars, etc.
- Lying in bed in the morning and not having to get up right away.
- Leaving work on Friday in anticipation of a fun weekend with great people.
What are some of your favorite feelings?
DFTBA and Happy Friday!
Friday, June 12
"Get in my cave, Woman!"
Once, when complaining to a female friend about how guys kept asking me for date activities I didn't care to do, she told me about what she called the "Caveman Effect", or "Get in my cave, Woman!"
Basically, in caveman days, all a man had to do to impress a girl was to club her over the head and drag her into his cave. She'd see how brave and strong and aggressive he was and fall hopelessly in love.
Nowadays, women don't take kindly to being clubbed and dragged. Instead, the man tries to impress her -- and gauge their compatibility -- by inviting her to do things he likes to do and is good at. This can be anything from country dancing, to hiking, to playing video games, to making dinner, to dinner at a fancy restaurant. The man finds out if the girl is up for it, and the girl gets to see the guy in his best light -- doing something he is good at and feels good about.
I went out several times recently with a guy who kept trying to drag me into his cave. I was willing to go along to a point... but it became evident early on that he didn't know how to make me feel welcome inside his cave, and he did not show any interest my likes or feelings. Turns out, there's a thin line between encouraging a person to try something new, and steamrolling over her comfort level. Some give and take is required, and it can't all come from the woman's side.
The Caveman Effect is less impressive when the man is more interested in his ego than the woman's opinion.
I'm willing to give a guy a chance. We're both nervous. We're both figuring each other out. If he has the guts to ask me out, I'll make an effort to ensure that he has a good time. I want to see where things go. See if I like him as a person. I'm on his side -- I want it to go well and see if we're a match. I'll make him as comfortable and appreciated as I can. It's nice when he does the same for me.
Thankfully, most men I've been out with do.
Basically, in caveman days, all a man had to do to impress a girl was to club her over the head and drag her into his cave. She'd see how brave and strong and aggressive he was and fall hopelessly in love.
Nowadays, women don't take kindly to being clubbed and dragged. Instead, the man tries to impress her -- and gauge their compatibility -- by inviting her to do things he likes to do and is good at. This can be anything from country dancing, to hiking, to playing video games, to making dinner, to dinner at a fancy restaurant. The man finds out if the girl is up for it, and the girl gets to see the guy in his best light -- doing something he is good at and feels good about.
I went out several times recently with a guy who kept trying to drag me into his cave. I was willing to go along to a point... but it became evident early on that he didn't know how to make me feel welcome inside his cave, and he did not show any interest my likes or feelings. Turns out, there's a thin line between encouraging a person to try something new, and steamrolling over her comfort level. Some give and take is required, and it can't all come from the woman's side.
The Caveman Effect is less impressive when the man is more interested in his ego than the woman's opinion.
I'm willing to give a guy a chance. We're both nervous. We're both figuring each other out. If he has the guts to ask me out, I'll make an effort to ensure that he has a good time. I want to see where things go. See if I like him as a person. I'm on his side -- I want it to go well and see if we're a match. I'll make him as comfortable and appreciated as I can. It's nice when he does the same for me.
Thankfully, most men I've been out with do.
Tuesday, May 19
Monday, April 13
"What would we do, baby, without us?"
I finished watching all seven seasons of Family Ties on Netflix (yes, really) and enjoyed the whole thing. Well, it got a bit preachy a little too often, but that didn't kill the charm. I'm kind in love with Steven Keaton. I want to be as gorgeous and self-assured as Elyse. I see why Michael J. Fox was the breakout star (totes deserved it). The 1980s teenager fashion made me giggle -- wow, were Mallory and Jennifer covered up, and the big hair made them look much older than they were. Andy was adorable.
But, my favorite thing was the guest stars: Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Wil Wheaton, River Phoenix, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Courtney Cox, Timothy busfield, Peter Scolari, Crispin Glover, Dan Hedaya, Billy Campbell, Judith Light... it's like a who's who of Before They Were Famous.
Loved it!
In one of the final episodes, Alex asks what the meaning of life is, and Mallory shocks everyone with her insightful answer. I like her definition so much that I wrote it on my white-board calendar.
But, my favorite thing was the guest stars: Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Wil Wheaton, River Phoenix, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Courtney Cox, Timothy busfield, Peter Scolari, Crispin Glover, Dan Hedaya, Billy Campbell, Judith Light... it's like a who's who of Before They Were Famous.
Loved it!
In one of the final episodes, Alex asks what the meaning of life is, and Mallory shocks everyone with her insightful answer. I like her definition so much that I wrote it on my white-board calendar.
- Be happy.
- Try not to hurt other people.
- Hope that you fall in love.
So long, Keaton family. It was fun to watch you all grow up and share in your adventures.
On to the next!
Wednesday, March 4
Friday, January 23
Quotes from The Infinite Atonement
As I said in my review for the book The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. Callister, it gave me a lot to think about. Since I borrowed the book from the library, I didn't feel right about highlighting the snippets that called out to me. Instead, I took some photos.
Here are my favorites:
Here are my favorites:
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| "Mercy can satisfy the demands of justice, and encircles them in the arms of safety." |
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| "Faith precedes miracles, asking precipitates revelation, and pleading prompts pardons." |
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| "Some may contend that the Savior cannot empathize with those who succumb to temptation because he never yielded and, therefore, he could not understand the apparently unique circumstances of those who did. The fallacy of such an argument is exposed by C.S. Lewis: 'No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means -- the only complete realist.'" |
Wednesday, January 21
Megan reads The Infinite Atonement
The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. CallisterMy rating: 4 of 5 stars
The Infinite Atonement is a very thorough and respectful examination of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I appreciated the many quotes from not only LDS General Authorities, but non-LDS writers and scholars, too. I also appreciated the many real-world examples that helped make the atonement more understandable. I would have struggled reading this book a lot more without those examples.
What struck me the most is just how much the Savior went through to atone for my sins. Maybe that's a simple statement. Callister makes points about how the human body has failsafes when the pain gets too much -- fainting and death -- but the Savior didn't choose either of those. There are many, many wonderful tidbits that I had never before considered regarding His mission, His birth, His nature, and His sacrifice. My gratitude and testimony of my Savior grew a lot in the weeks during which I read this book.
Unfortunately, the book is structured like a law argument and was written with unnecessarily flowery and pretentious language. It flowed well, but was really dry. I do not recommend that you try to read it casually cover to cover. It's more of a resource book. One that should be studied over time.
I'm glad that I read it. I learned a lot about the whys, whats, and hows of the atonement. I only wish there was more advice on applying it to my own life. No one book can possibly explain everything about the atonement, but this felt like a good start for me.
View all my reviews
Friday, January 9
Thursday, January 1
2015 Resolution Time!
Happy New Year, everybody!
I learned a lot about myself last year, and I decided I need to make some resolutions this year to keep me on track:
- Physical: Exercise at least 30-60 minutes a day three days a week, or walk (or run) at least 10,000 steps a day. I would think the reasons for this are obvious. Last year I was consistent for nine weeks. This year I want to move more than I did last year. I did not buy a gym membership, but I did get a FitBit for Christmas and I already love it.
- Spiritual:
a. Read at least 4 gospel-related books in addition to The Book of Mormon. I struggle with reading non-fiction books, but I want to infuse positive thoughts and the spirit into my regular life more than I have in the past.
b. Sit in the chapel and not in the balcony during Sacrament meeting. I pay more attention in the chapel, and it motivates me to be on time or early.
c. Do not immediately open my journal when I sit down; make myself available to talk with the people nearby. I've been doing this for several weeks and have already met some cool people... and had one date. - Educational-ish: Read 25 books this year, including those in #2. Reading goals aren't new for me, but it is fun at the end of the year to see what I've read...and even more fun to surpass the goal and have to set a new one partway through the year. Hope that happens again this year!
That's all. I want my goals to be manageable and simple enough to remember and work on throughout the year. They aren't big, but they are meaningful to me.
I'm looking forward to this year. I get to go to Disneyland with my best friend, and my family is planning a vacation this summer, too. I'll also celebrate my 5-year anniversary at work; I've never worked anywhere for that long, and I get an extra week of vacation time as a reward! I also get to play a role in a play I've wanted to be in for years and years. With any luck, I'll have a lot more fun surprises (and few not-so-fun ones).
I am hopeful!
What are you looking forward to this year? Have you made any resolutions?
Wednesday, December 31
Interview with myself 2014
Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life -- well, valuable, but small -- and sometime I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?
- You've Got Mail
I'll be honest: 2014 was not an easy year for me.
I saw big, wonderful changes in the lives of many of my loved ones: my family grew, my friends had babies. They have been through a lot and I am glad they finally get their happy "re-beginnings." It is truly awesome!
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| Aaron and Heidi are the cutest. |
In the theatre world, I was in two plays that I have wanted to participate in since high school: The Sound of Music and Jekyll and Hyde. Who else can say they played a nun and a prostitute in the same year? To be honest, it felt like a step backwards playing in the ensemble two plays in a row. I missed having my character development built into the script and personal attention from directors. But I worked with awesome choreographers and worked with a lot of people I've wanted to. I am glad I was in both of them. I'm proud of my work and grateful for my new friendships.
I saw plays in New York City, and Cedar City. I went on my first business trip. I got to go to Salt Lake Comic Con, Fan Xperience, and Fantasy Con for free. The events and vacations infused some much-needed relaxation time, and fueled my gratitude for my regular life at home.
- What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before? I exercised 5 days a week for 9 weeks -- first time I've ever been that consistent!
- Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? The only resolution I made last year was to read at least 12 books. I ended up reading 41, including plays, children's books, young adult fiction, adult fiction, religious and other non-fiction.
- Did anyone close to you give birth? My brother Peter and his wife Jordyn, and my besty Kate and her husband Brandon both had their first babies this year -- both boys!
- Did anyone close to you die? Not this year
- What countries did you visit?
None outside the United States - What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
A significant other to share it with - What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
No specific dates, just events - What was your biggest achievement of the year?
3.7 weeks without sugar or carbs - What was your biggest failure?
Gaining all of the weight back after #8 - Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing more serious than allergy-related colds. I had laser surgery again. - What is the best thing you bought?
Tickets to Matilda, Newsies, and Cabaret on Broadway - Where did most of your money go?
Probably food. - What did you get really, really, really excited about?The panels at the conventions: William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden, Marina Sirtis, Denise Crosby, Nathan Fillian, Adam Baldwin, Karl Urban, Karen Gillian, Doug Jones, the guys from Kid History, Billy Boyd, John Rhys-Davis, Sean Astin, Simon Pegg, Mark Sheppard, Renee O'Connor, Alan Tudyk, Manu Bennett, Stephen Amell, and John Barrowman. Waiting in line was totally worth it every time.
- What song will always remind you of 2014?
Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off" and "Everything is Awesome" from The Lego Movie - Compared to this time last year, are you:
- What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercising in any form - What do you wish you'd done less of?
Feeling sorry for myself - How did you spend Christmas?
Surrounded my family and food at my mom's house - Did you fall in love in 2014?
Nope - What was your favorite TV program?Parks and Recreation. The Late Show starring Jimmy Fallon is a very close second.
- Do you dislike anyone now that you didn't this time last year?
Not that I can think of. - What was the best book you read?
Cinder by Marissa Meyer. A dystopian-future, fairy tale retelling that doesn't feel bleak and is actually quite funny? Yes please! I couldn't read it or the sequels fast enough -- can't wait for Fairest to be published later this month! - What was your greatest musical discovery?
John Legend's "All of Me" - What did you want and get?
A Roku for Christmas - What did you want and not get?
A family of my own - What was your favorite film this year?
I'm going to go with The Hunger Games: Mockingjay part 1, though Captain America: Winter Soldier, Veronica Mars, Into the Woods, and Big Hero 6 are big contenders. - What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 36, and spent the day at Regional Conference for church, ate waffles with friends, and dinner with my family.
- What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A romantic relationship that lasted more than a few weeks - How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
"Accentuate the positive; decentuate the negative." - What kept you sane?
Friends who know the right thing to say or do. Never condescending, always supportive and kind and often funny. We celebrate and commiserate together and love each other no matter what. - Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Tom Hiddleston
- What political issue stirred you the most?
The sorority house shootings in California. It makes me crazy that a person can think that another person not wanting to sleep with them is a good reason to murder them. No one is "owed" sex or anything else. My feminism is growing stronger. - Who did you miss?
Dr. Cristina Yang. Grey's Anatomy is not the same without her. - Who was the best new person you met?
This is hard! I'm going with Madison Hanson and Wendi Griffiths. They and a few of our other dressing-roommates in Jekyll and Hyde made the experience great, and I love having having a few more Disney-obsessed friends. - Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
This year my big one is that I am terrible at "enduring to the end." I can handle short-term goals, but tucking in for the long haul of days with unrequited hopes, or dieting or exercising consistently, or a large number of work weeks with no vacation in sight, and I too easily fall into a bad attitude. It's so, so hard to put that aside and cultivate a good one again; to see the beauty in the now and have faith in the future. - What are you looking forward to in 2015?
A trip to Disneyland - What else?
Growing relationships with friends, family, and (hopefully) the man I'll share the rest of my life with.
Enough of that. On to 2015!
Monday, October 6
Things v experiences
After I read the article 15 Reasons Couples Should Go on Vacation Instead of Buying Stuff, I started to wonder: "Which do I value more: Experiences or Things?"
It didn't take long to decide:
Experiences. For sure.
I hate having to spend more than $30 for groceries in a week (especially when I have a $100 weekly limit for total living expenses), but I have no problem spending $30 on one dinner out with friends. I'm not one to upgrade electronics just because I can, and usually only do so when my device no longer functions properly and cannot be fixed cheaply. I'd much rather spend the money on a vacation, or even a pass to Comic Con. I loathe clothes shopping and love rehearsing a play where I get to know my fellow actors and discover a character. If I do buy something new, I always feel buyer's remorse and consider returning it. It's rare that I unwrap or wear anything right away. I have to force myself to remember that I'll end up loving it and I'll forget how much it cost.
For example, the power button on my phone stopped working on Tuesday, forcing me to buy a new phone. I'm sure I'll get used to it, but right now I resent having to spend the money (plus, the purchase made me late to see Gone with the Wind on the big screen).
I talked with my friend Theresa about this concept, and she sent me this article about Anticipating an Experience or a Purchase. This quote sums up my thoughts on buying things (at least for me):
I have a quick trip coming up, and a few ideas for a longer vacation this winter. I need something to look forward to, and I really need a break from regular life. It may not be a permanent change, but it's something!
What do you value? What do you spend money on? What do you plan for and look forward to? Are you looking forward to anything right now?
It didn't take long to decide:
Experiences. For sure.
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| My first two pair of new shoes in over a year. I content myself with the knowledge they were both half price. Hope they're still in style in the Spring! |
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| A new Galaxy S4 |
For example, the power button on my phone stopped working on Tuesday, forcing me to buy a new phone. I'm sure I'll get used to it, but right now I resent having to spend the money (plus, the purchase made me late to see Gone with the Wind on the big screen).
I talked with my friend Theresa about this concept, and she sent me this article about Anticipating an Experience or a Purchase. This quote sums up my thoughts on buying things (at least for me):
It's well known that people get used to things that are around them every day, and they soon lose their appreciation for even the most expensive couches and cars.I love making memories. I love reliving memories. I am reliant on stuff and am grateful for their convenience, but they aren't the priority. People are. Living is.
I have a quick trip coming up, and a few ideas for a longer vacation this winter. I need something to look forward to, and I really need a break from regular life. It may not be a permanent change, but it's something!
What do you value? What do you spend money on? What do you plan for and look forward to? Are you looking forward to anything right now?
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