In the past four weeks, I have been asked some form of this question by at least 7 people:
"So... you and Calvin*... why aren't you dating?"
I can understand why they'd ask. Calvin and I are both single, good-looking, funny, smart, personable, and have some similar interests. We've been friends for several years, so why shouldn't we date?
Thinking about this question in my head is one thing. Trying to answer someone else's curiosity is quite another.
I should specify that all of the people who have asked are dear friends of mine. I have known them for years and years and I know they are only asking because they love me and they are truly stymied that Calvin and I are just friends. I am not offended by the question. They do not imply that there is anything wrong with me or my being single. I just never know how to answer these kinds of questions, especially since my loving friends are prone to place the "blame" on Calvin's side, and I don't want them to think badly of him. They wouldn't, but I don't want them to anyway.
There are plenty of reasons and possibilities. The main one is that Calvin has never asked me out. I've never asked Calvin the question, myself, so I can only guess. As far as I know, he's never thought about it (it's a wrench to my self-esteem, but it is possible). Or, he's just used to us being friends and likes it that way. Or, he's dating someone else. Or, he's just really busy. Or, I'm simply not his type. He's just not that into me.
Of course, I could ask him out. But, I always feel like Calvin holds me at arm's length, figuratively speaking, and though I have asked out men in this same friendship status before, it's never gone anywhere. I find that most men like to take the initiative. If they don't, it's because they're uber-shy or uninterested. They are flattered when I ask them out, but the reasons they didn't ask me out still apply. It's just the way it is.
I just think it's funny that SO MANY people in such a short period of time have all asked me about Calvin, in particular. I really, really hope they haven't asked him why he hasn't asked me out. I like my friendship with Calvin. I don't expect more and I don't want it to be awkward. I'm content.
This just makes me think of my friend Trudy*. She has been asked more times than she can count if she's ever thought about dating our mutual friend, Melvin*. The hard part is, she has a big crush on Melvin. She would date him in a minute. I know both of them really well and I know Trudy and Melvin would be fantastic together. I don't know why Melvin has never asked Trudy out. We know some of our friends have asked Melvin about it, but the fact remains that he has never asked her out. He might in the future, but until then, poor Trudy is having trouble moving on. She is distancing herself from him as much as she can, but it's hard on her. Poor Trudy. Poor Melvin. I hope they both find someone wonderful who loves them for who they are and will support them for forever.
Have you ever read the book, He's Just Not That Into You? It basically talks about how, in general, if a man is interested in a woman, he won't let anything get in the way of pursuing her. It was a demoralizing read in that if a guy is not interested, there's nothing I can do to make him ask me out. But, it was empowering in the realization that I am a great girl and I deserve a man who really wants me. A good guy that I am excited about, too. Chemistry is a difficult thing. It can't be forced.
It is flattering that my friends can't believe that I'm only friends with a terrific guy like Calvin. They believe that I deserve to be with someone wonderful, who will appreciate my quirks and awesomeness.
I believe I deserve that, too.
*Names have been changed.
