Validation, A.K.A. Thoughts on Esteem

I believe that it's possible to be aware of our own strengths and good qualities, and to give ourselves permission to be proud of them. Everyone is unique. Everyone is beautiful. And everyone deserves to feel that they are wonderful and not feel guilty or embarrassed about it.

I don't think "pride" is the acknowledgment that we are terrific; I think pride is treating others like they aren't. If that's true, we need to be better about being our own form of awesome.

Example 1: Self-Esteem
In college, I often said things like "I am so dumb" or "I'm such a loser." I was usually joking, but my roommate commented one day that some part of me must have believed what I was saying. She said that every time I said something mean about myself I hurt my self-esteem. She challenged me to stop using those negative phrases and promised that if I did I would be a much happier person. She was right! You would not believe how much happier I was. I started to believe the nice things I said, and I learned to like myself. It's an ongoing battle to remind myself of the things I like, but to this day I am grateful that my roommate recognized my need to be kind to myself and gave me permission to do so.

Sometimes we are so busy trying to be humble and build other people up that we feel we have to tear ourselves down. But each of us has something to offer. We deserve to feel good about ourselves and should not be shy about it when the situation is appropriate. Just because we are terrific, it doesn't mean that our terrific-ness detracts from anyone else.

There isn't a whole lot lately that I feel is in my control. The one I can control is my perception of myself. There are many days when I still feel like the scrawny, frizzy-haired, flat-chested, emotional, fearful, lonely 12 year old I once was. So, I work at it. I continually strive to focus on the things I do well, rather than those I don't do so well. I might not have a gym membership, but I am vigilant about eating fruits and vegetables. I may not vacuum very often, but I always make my bed. I might not know how to play my nephew's video games, but I am pretty good at Go Fish! It's a daily struggle, and one that will likely never end since my infinite mistakes imply I still have a lot to learn. It's a worthy struggle, though.

I'm the only person I'm going to live with for my entire life. It's common sense to want to like that person. If I indulge in self-torture, I'll never be happy no matter how wonderful everything else is. Let alone, I'll probably miss out on a lot of wonderful stuff. I don't want that!

If any of you women still need permission to feel good about yourself (or even if you don't) read this awesome post from the Single Dad Laughing blog. It's so good to hear a man say that women have worth and that he wants to help us recognize it! Do many men around us have any idea how much that affirmation means to us women while the rest of the world seems to be telling us we're just not good enough? Do many women offer the same kind of affirmation and appreciation for them?

Example 2: Spreading Esteem
At church on Sunday, I was talking to two ladies and made a reference to how awesome we are. The girls started laughing delightedly. I responded with, "What? We are darn good looking. I'm looking at you right now and I know what I look like!" I think they were surprised that I said it so matter-of-fact. But the statement was completely true. My favorite part is that although they laughed neither of them rejected the compliment. They just enjoyed it!

While we're at it, it doesn't hurt to share with other people what wonderful qualities they have.

Can you imagine if everyone in the world complimented one person a day?

Even better, can you imagine if the complimented person chose to believe what was said? I hate, hate, hate it when I compliment someone and they don't accept it. Don't imply that I am somehow mistaken; then I just regret my attempt to acknowledge your individual awesomeness! Let me take pleasure in seeing that my honest, unsolicited compliment made you happy! Someone else recognized how great you are! You're not alone! Instead of saying, "You're too nice" and brushing it off, say "Thanks! I needed that today!" and bask in the feel-goodness.

And if you feel so inclined, you can even compliment me back. Don't feel compelled to -- that's not why I give compliments. I do it because I sincerely believe that you are beautiful and I want to make sure you know I notice.

Please forgive me though if you do compliment me and I say something like, "I know!"

Example 3: Mutual Esteem
My best friend in High School was involved in a lot of the same activities I was... and she always seemed to be just a little bit better at them. When I won the "Best Supporting Actress" award during the Regional Drama competition, she won "Best Actress." When we auditioned for Madrigals together -- the elite singing group at our school -- she got in and I didn't. She was a star athlete, she was third in our academic class of 363 people (I have no idea what my ranking was), she was ambitious, she was taller and more slender, her hair grew faster, and she had no fears about making friends in new situations. She was a poised, intelligent, talented Amazon.

She was also my biggest fan!

She was always the first to find me at lunch, invite me to her house, come to my numerous plays, laugh with me at my silly dating stories, and tell me how cute my haircut was. She saw me as a talented, darling, smart, gorgeous, funny, brave, thoughtful, positive person... attributes I didn't always see in myself. How could I feel inferior for any length of time when she seemed to think I was as wonderful as I thought she was?

Okay, I'm not perfect; it killed me that she was in Madrigals and I wasn't, and I still wish that she were the fatter of the two of us, but there's not much I can do about the former, and I'm learning to accept the latter. Sometimes it takes an effort to focus on what I do well rather than what she does better.

We have similar interests, but we are not the same. Instead, we are friends who love and support each other and have for the last 16 years. Isn't it great?

We build each other up. It doesn't diminish either of us in any way to feel happy for the other. I am proud of my friend's accomplishments, and am always thrilled when she feels the same for me.

Based on hers and several other friendships, I've decided that whenever I encounter a woman who intimidates me, I need to become her friend. That way, I can stop being jealous that she seems to have so much that I don't, and instead celebrate her successes with her. Someday I will successfully learn to be happy for those women anyway, but for now it's enough just to summon the courage to talk to awe-inspiring strangers... and remind myself that I am just as awesome in my way (so easy to forget)! After all, my girl friends are seriously amazing. I am grateful every day for the way their experiences and talents and endless support enrich my life!

I am also extremely proud of my male friends. They totally rock!! I can't believe that I have the honor to know them and I and thankful for their influence on my life (but I'm not quite ready to apply the "let's be friends" method to strange men who intimidate me... that's a completely different ballgame).

I'll say it again: It does not diminish us to recognize and celebrate the wonderful people around us.

In conclusion, here's a short film called Validation. It reminds me of the time I went to the movies, asked for a validation (meaning a parking validation) and the worker said, "Your hair is so pretty!" It made my whole day. I don't remember what movie I saw, but I remember how good that unexpectly sincere compliment made me feel!


You, reader, are wonderful and you are unique. Go and be your wonderful self. Don't apologize and don't hold back!

Love,

Miss Megan