The "sometime" trap

I've been friends with Laura since my Sophomore year of high school. During our high school years, we had at least one class together, and we ate lunch in the same group, so I pretty much saw her every day. We became pretty good friends and I was always happy to see her.

Then we graduated and went to different schools. The schools weren't far from each other, but they were far enough we didn't get to see each other every day anymore. Fortunately, we both had e-mail accounts, so we wrote to each other fairly often. She was also one of my most consistent pen pals during my mission. Now we keep each other up-to-date through Facebook.

Sadly, we almost never see each other face-to-face. Both of us think this is stupid, since we've both lived in the Salt Lake area for most of the last 12 years. Yet, I would be surprised to discover that we have seen each other more than five times since graduating high school. "Why?" you might ask?

The "sometime" trap.

Almost every time I hear from Laura, she says some form of "I'd really like to see you sometime." or "We should really get together sometime." She rarely mentions a specific date.

I picked up on this fairly quickly, and for a long time I responded with, "Yes, I'd love to see you! How about next Wednesday? Or what are you doing on Saturday afternoon?"

But she never responded until after those proposed dates had passed. And then her next e-mail would end with "Let's get together sometime."

GAH!!!

I get it, we're busy. I have a full-time job, she has two-and-a-third kids to chase after. It's hard to find time to get together, but somehow I manage it with other friends. Because one of us will say "How about this day?" and the other person either says "Absolutely, let's do it!" or "I can't that day, but what about this?"

It takes effort to get out of the sometime trap.

I'm very glad that I do have friends who say, "I haven't seen you in weeks, can I sleep over tonight?" or "Some kids asked me to see them in High School Musical Jr in April, do you want to come with me?" or "Let's do lunch next Thursday and talk about that 'way back when' theatre reunion." I'm glad that there are people who want to see me NOW and pick a date. You ladies totally rock!!

I'm one of those people who likes to jump on the nebulous "sometime" and make concrete plans as soon as possible. If I don't, I might never see that person. I don't want to wait until my previously close friend is engaged to a guy I've never met or heard of. I don't want to wait until another friend's going through a crisis and has a billion other people who are also trying to offer comfort. I want to be a good friend now. I am so grateful for the people who let me just drop by, and are excited to hear from me, and who also want to make an effort. I don't always feel like a good friend; thank you to the people who validate me and help me to be better!

I'm sad to say it, but I've given up on Laura. Apparently, it's just a polite way for her to end e-mails, like saying "How are you?" when you walk past someone in church. I now end my e-mails in the same nebulous way. I don't like feeling like I'm leaving it up to fate, but I refuse to feel guilty about letting the relationship get lazy. It's what it is, and I will accept that.

I honestly would like to see her sometime, and I hope that it happens eventually. Until then, I'll just have to put my efforts into those who want "sometime" to be now.