The Dating Books Book Club

A few months ago, I was sitting around with several girlfriends, and as single women often do we got on the subject of boys and dating. Someone (possibly me because I remember talking about a guy I was frustrated about, but it could have been someone else) mentioned an awesome book she'd read on the subject, and before we knew it, all four of us were talking about the different books we had read that we'd really found insightful and helpful. Surprisingly, not many of the suggested books overlapped, meaning, none of us had read the same books. But we all agreed we wanted to read them all.

So, I made a list of all of the books, glued the list into the front of my journal, and suggested we start a "Dating Books" book club. I even volunteered to host the first meeting, which for me is a big deal. We decided to start with How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp (published in hardcover as How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, but the text is exactly the same).

Holy cow -- it's a good book! I borrowed it from the library, but I may have to buy a copy so I can go back and refresh myself on certain things. I think Larissa said it best during our discussion, when she said the best thing about the book is that it gives you advice, and then gives practical AND scientific data to back up his research. It isn't just some guy's opinions; he has a lot of other professional people and statistics backing him up. This psychologist spent ten years trying to get the book right, and I am grateful for it.

I truly believe that all single people would benefit from reading this book, whether they are looking for Mr. or Miss Right, or trying to determine whether their current significant other is someone they really want to be with. It might even be a good thing for people in committed relationships to read. It gave me a lot to think about. Sure, I reflected on some of the crummy guys I've dated, but I've also seen ways that I could have behaved better, and thought a lot about why I do some of the relationship-killing things I do. I have a lot to work on. I don't want to be a jerk. I also don't want to be with a jerk. Thinking about having the kind of healthy relationship that Dr. Van Epp describes makes me tired and frustrated and scared and stressed... but I also feel it's possible and something I very much want. I want a happy, committed, lasting marriage, and I'll do what I must to get it, even it if means I must face my demons and actively not allow others to abuse me with theirs.

The funny part was talking to my friend Nichole about a new guy she's seeing after we read the book. She was trying so hard not to get swept up and lose her head before she knew him very well, but he was blowing her away with his sweetness and romance! There are still good guys out there, even if they are a little bit harder to find :-) 

The next couple of books we'll be reading seem to be an extension of what we learned in How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. Less scientific, but hopefully just as useful in their own ways. Right now I'm reading my way through He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I've read it before and I love it for enabling me to not allow my dates to treat me badly. However, although I feel like the advice is solid, I hesitate to buy it or recommend it to others because of crude and some profane language. Sigh.

(By the way, for those of my single girlfriends who are thinking "why the heck wasn't I invited to be a part of this book club?!!" please don't be mad at me! We decided to keep the numbers small for now, even though I really do think a lot of people could benefit from the information in these books. If you want, I'll keep you posted on what we're reading, or even give you the list. Be prepared, though, it's a long list!)

By the time I finish all of these books and really learn to apply what I've learned, I'll consider myself a Ph. D in dating. I like the sound of that. With a little luck and a lot of work, someday soon I'll be a Ph. D in marriage, too!