I suspect the most we can hope for, and it's no small hope, is that we never give up, that we never stop giving ourselves permission to try to love and receive love.You know what's easy? Being single. When you're single, you don't have to ask permission to hang out with your friends, or spend your money the way you want, or audition for a play, and you don't have to consider someone else's schedule for vacations or anything else.
- Elizabeth Strout
You know what's hard? Being in a relationship, or worse, looking for and trying to be in a relationship. It's hard to put ourselves out there, set ourselves up for rejection, share things -- just about everything -- with another person, and let them push our buttons, and try to avoid pushing theirs, and apologize for being selfish and thoughtless, and be forgiving, and generally work at being in a relationship.
It's so easy to be single. To give up. To say: "My life is fine as it is. I'm lonely sometimes, and yet I am not unhappy."
And yet, sometimes it's hard to do everything alone. I am strong, but it would be nice if someone else would be strong for me one in a while. I am independent, but it would be nice not to have to make all of the decisions ALL of the time. To have someone around to take care of me when I'm sick, and to rely on me to take care of them when they are, too. Someone to plan vacations with, or just want me around on days where all we're doing is watching football (in his case) or reading (in mine).
So, I guess I can't give up. I just have to believe that all of this frustration and heartache will one day be worth it. Marriage won't solve my problems (I hear it doubles and triples them). It would just be nice to have someone to share them with; someone who gets it 'cause he's in it with me.
I keep trying, but it's hard.
Any comments about how it's totally worth when you find the right person would be much appreciated!
8 comments:
I had NO idea how hard marriage is. Like at all. I thought I did, but nope.
As hard as it is it is nice to have someone to come home to and know that you don't need to fear having an emotional outburst because you'll be labeled crazy.
I can't say this without sounding condescending, so I'm just gonna say it--but remember you asked for it--I can't speak for you, bu my wait was worth it. Was it hard and seemingly never ending and lonely? Sometimes. But it also gave me insight and taught me so much about ME, things that I want, and need, and am willing to sacrifice-stuff that the 22 year old me couldn't even fathom. I was able to go into marriage with the rose-colored glasses off and I am glad for that, because the young hopeless romantic would have had her whole world blown apart. Marriage is nothing what you expect it to be, seriously, take everything you've envisioned and throw it away. But it is good, and fun, and it is so reassuring to know there's someone out there who knows everything about me, and still loves me more than anything.
Hang in there Megs. Your person is out there. He's just not ready for you yet.
I saw an episode of Family Feud once where they asked what people said the best year of marriage was. The number one answer was year one. I thought that was really sad that apparently after the honeymoon it's all downhill.
My marriage has been the exact opposite. It's gotten so much better as we've gone along. We know more about how to help each other and what not to do. We can support each other in ways we would never have imagined before. It's a lot of work with a lot of mistakes along the way but it's so much better than year one.
Hang in there. It's definitely worth it. You've got a lot going for you. Someday someone will recognize that and it'll be someone you're actually into, also.
By the way, I have a hard time picturing your guy watching football. I picture the two of you snuggled up watching Doctor Who together.
Football (him) and reading (me).
Did you have me and Rob in mind when you wrote that? Because that's exactly what happens - he watches football while I sit with him and read.
It's all hard relative to where you are. Single is hard, Married is hard...certain things are easier each way.
What's weird is when you convince yourself you CHOSE you challenges. We make certain choices and there are always results, but you never CHOSE the hardships.
I can choose to start working out knowing that I may get sore or injured, but when I walked into the gym, I didn't CHOOSE to pull my muscle. If that happens, I'll deal with it. It's a weird analogy, but just take it for what it's worth:-)
I have totally enjoyed this post and your friends' input. I am no expert, but I believe we each have a distinct path in this life and people we need to influence. You have been an amazing influence in my life and I would have never met you had we not both been single. --- so as much as we dont want this singleness at times, I believe we are exactly where need to be. I can't wait to meet your man, I know he will compliment you perfectly... football, reading and all!
My only advice is to make sure you've got the right guy. DON'T SETTLE! Now, I completely understand that no guy is perfect, which is good because we aren't perfect either. However, be brutally honest in how you view things.
I hope it's worth it when you find the right person. I haven't had that experience yet so I can't say if it is or not. I can't be emphatic enough about how NOT worth it it is when you DON'T have the right person. Take your time and make sure. :)
Love this post. I'm struggling with wanting to keep trying. It is easier to not try. Thank you for getting it!
Erica - if I know anything about Megan it is this: The word "settle" is not in her vocabulary.
Megan, I talked a little with you at Kristen and Scott's wedding about being single and getting married "later" in life. I was 42 when Russell and I got married. It's my first marriage. There were times when I didn't think I would make it through with my self-esteem or spirituality intact. There were times when it didn't bother me at all that I was still single. I just know that I wouldn't give up my life with Russell now for any of the opportunities I had with other men. Right before I met Russell, I was dating someone from work who had issues that made a serious relationship with him a "wait and see" proposition. I remember sitting in the celestial room at the temple one Saturday morning after all of those issues came out crying because I really wanted to find someone I could sit there with and talk about anything. My experience there assured me that Heavenly Father knows who I am and what I need, and more importantly, when I need it. I realized ending the romantic relationship with this guy was best for both of us. I'm still friends with him, but now, six years later, he has not made much progress on his issues, and I would have been sitting around waiting still if I hadn't taken it to Heavenly Father for his advice.
Two months after my breakdown in the temple, I met Russell, and 10 months after that, we were married in the Timpanogas Temple. And now I do get to sit in the celestial room with someone I love who loves me back, and talk about EVERYTHING. Is our life perfect? For us, yes. The way the world imagines a perfect marriage and life? Not even close, and that's okay. Actually, that is perfect.
My advice to someone who is still waiting to find the right person is this(and I know you're already doing it): live your life. Do things. Don't sit around waiting for things to happen to you. Be involved. Learn everything you can about what interests you. Become the person you are looking for. And be sure to involve Heavenly Father in your life. His direction is perfect.
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