I'm fairly certain we can all agree that the winter months are kind of miserable. After the holidays, we're faced with grey, yucky weather, no "big" holidays to look forward to, and the reality of paying off all those Christmas-time bills, not to mention the effects certain astrological events have on people in general. In addition to this, I'm dealing with some frustration at work and events that are giving me deja-vu to situations where the lesson I learn was that I am not important.
February is not an easy month for me emotionally. It never has been. But I've noticed a really disturbing trend, lately. My go-to answer to the question "How are you?" used to be "I'm happy." I'd say it when I was in a good mood, and would often say it when I was in a grumpy mood but wanted to pull myself out of it. For the last several months, I've been answering with "I'm OK." I guess that isn't so bad, but what I'm really saying is "I'm drowning in frustration and loss and feeling crappy and whiny, but I don't really want to talk about it right now and I hate saying 'I'm fine" so I'm using this as a placeholder." I can't even remember the last time I said "I'm happy" and meant it.
Now, I should probably take a moment to say that it's perfectly natural to go through grumpy periods. To expect myself (or anyone, really) to ALWAYS be in a good mood is setting myself up to fail. As Westley says in The Princess Bride, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." It's OK to not feel blissfully happy all the time. It's normal, even when it goes on for weeks or months. There's always a certain amount of happy, and a certain amount of sad. I, personally, don't like to feel sad, but just because I've been feeling sad that doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with me, as long as I don't let it overwhelm me. You take the good with the bad, right Facts of Life?
It bugs me when I'm described as "happy all the time." I feel pressure to be that way, like I'm not allowed to have a bad day, or if I do have one I am expected to keep it under wraps. Talk about unfair. I don't think emotions should be used as personality descriptors, because, if I'm a "happy person", then what the heck am I if I'm not happy? Oh, yeah, still normal.
I think I've been putting too much pressure on myself lately, and suddenly I'm noticing some troubling things about the way I talk about myself:
I'm a slacker.It's usually meant in a self-deprecating, jokey way, but the truth is, I'm starting to believe it. When you say a thing over and over again you tend to believe it, and I have started to believe it. I've started feeling sorry for myself. I feel bullied. I feel hopeless. I feel like a victim. That's definitely NOT okay!
I'm terrible.
I'm awful.
I'm the worst.
My family has a history of depression, and several of my family members take medication. I've been to a therapist who determined that I am not depressed, but I sometimes wonder if that will change as I get older. That's why I feel the need to identify my problems, think my way through them, and talk them over with people I trust; people who know me, won't judge, and will help me figure out how to get back to my own personal version of normal.
As I focus on cutting those damaging statements out of my conversation, I've been repeating the following platitudes:
Yes, they are corny. No, I don't care. I need to change my personal view, and give myself permission to be less than perfect. If little things like joking that "I'm terrible" can make believe that I really am terrible, then little things like "I'm happy" can make me believe I'm happy... and then I'll get there again.
I've been feeling helpless in a lot of ways, and positive affirmation is a way to take back a tiny bit of control and do something for me. My life is great for the most part. I miss being my cheerful self. I need to redirect my sadness into acceptance and gratitude. I may change and grow in many ways, but I want to keep hold of "optimistic Megan" as much as possible -- let's grow THAT version of me, instead of "self-bullying Megan", shall we?
5 comments:
You Is kind, you Is smart, you Is important
Thank you, Karrie :)
sorry I am so slow... You are awesome Megs. And awesome encompasses every aspect of you. I love the human, real side of you that you show. I know people connect to it (I do). Working in the mental health field, I do think it is great to re-evaluate your mental status, because things can change, and quickly. There is help available if you need.... xoxoxo
Thank you so much for being willing to share something like this. I, too, tend to get seasonally down. This winter has been especially tough, and I find myself wondering, "Will I ever actually ENJOY life again?" To know that someone as amazing as you has those same kinds of thoughts makes me feel okay about my slump. I will feel excited again someday! And in the meantime, Elder Bednar taught that the load is essential to eternal progress. We'll probably never feel totally unburdened. But hopefully happy and excited are on their way!
Thank you, Sylinda and Andrea, for your honesty and your support. I debated whether to publish this post but when I showed it to a friend she recommended that I do 'cause it might help someone else. I'm glad it was helpful to you, Andrea. You are one of my heroes and it's nice to I'm not alone! Sylinda, if I ever decide I want professional help (I don't rule it out), I know who to call. Thank you so much!
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