Vulnerable

Last week at church, Jim* approached me and said that his friend Kurt* wanted to meet me. I was more than a little flustered (especially since I was already talking with a young man) but managed to finagle a four-way conversation so I could meet and talk with Kurt (Thanks, Tim, for being my wingman and keeping Jim busy). Kurt was seriously handsome. Handsome enough that I thought, "Of all the girls in the ward he wanted to meet me?" Honestly, men with his looks and easy-going manner don't talk with me very much, much less seek me out. After a few minutes of fairly normal questions and witty banter on his part and slightly off-kilter banter on mine, he told me that he lives out of state and asked if he could Friend me on Facebook. Impressed and still a little flustered, I said sure and told him my last name. He told me his last name and I said I'll be looking for him.

I did not hear from Kurt last week. I figured it was because my privacy settings restrict searches to friends of friends only, but I did a little checking and he IS the friend of a friend, so that might not be a problem. I figured, even if I never hear from him, at least our conversation was a boost to my self-esteem.

This week, Jim found me after Sunday School and launched into this explanation about how Kurt had recently dated a tall, gorgeous model/actress. Since I'd already been thinking Kurt was too good for me, all my insecurities kicked in. Of course he dates gorgeous models. I know my insecurity and "why is he telling me this??" thoughts showed up on my face, because suddenly Jim stopped and said, "I'm trying to have a serious conversation and you're making faces." I apologized rather lamely, wishing he'd stop talking about my gorgeous competition. He seemed to accept the apology, and that's when Jim said Kurt dumped the model and was looking for a "wholesome" girl. I wanted to be flattered, but that kicked up my insecurity even more since the last time someone said I was wholesome it was NOT meant as a compliment. Poor Jim had no idea. He just wanted to fill me in on Kurt so I'd know that even though Kurt lives out of state he's made long-distance relationships work before. I guess that means I should have hope?

Even though I still haven't heard from Kurt.

Meanwhile, I'm Facebook friends with Jim now, so at least Kurt has another way to find me. If he wants to. We'll see.

(Before you ask, no, I'm not going to Friend him. He said he's going to Friend me, and I'm going to let him take the initiative if he wants to.)

I guess the point of this post is to remind myself that even though I like who I am, I'm vulnerable, especially when faced with a man I like. I'm scared to be too nerdy, too silly, too spastic, too thoughtless, too quiet, not quiet enough. And then I become all those things.

I just keep hoping that even if I AM all those things (and I know there's nothing wrong with that), if a man likes me, he won't mind. It will be endearing and adorable. I'm not a model, but I am pretty darn adorable sometimes.

And if he does mind that I'm awkward and silly, there isn't much I can do about it anyway.

Through no fault of Jim or Kurt's, I was extra vulnerable on Sunday. I can learn from that and try to be more confident and in the moment next time. Listen to what he's saying without worrying about what he might or might not mean. And remember that sometimes men are vulnerable, too.

Especially when they ask to meet a strange girl at church.

*Not their real names