Disclaimer: Not everyone approaches dating the same way. My experiences are limited to, well, MY experiences. I am handling my dating life as well as I can but I am aware that I make plenty of mistakes. Please no mean comments, even if meant to be "helpful." I'm looking for understanding here, since I'm just trying to understand, too.
I understand that not all dates will result in marriage, and one date doesn't mean you're obliged to ask for or accept another with that person. That's okay -- dating is experimenting. It's a job interview. How will you know you like someone if you don't give them a chance? If it doesn't work out, then you look for someone you might have a better chance with.
BUT, I find it the height of unfairness that if a man and woman go out a few times, and the woman continues to be interested and the guy is not, the guy can end the dating relationship by simply not calling the woman anymore. At all costs, he will avoid the conversation that might result in her being upset and him being uncomfortable. So, the guy moves on and the woman gets no closure.*
BUT, if the guy is interested and the woman is not, the woman has to either avoid phone calls for the rest of eternity (because it takes
forever for the guy to get the passive-aggressive "hint") or tell the guy that she's not interested, which often doesn't go well. It sucks to have a DTR** with someone you've only been on a few dates with.
So, the interested guy ends up getting closure, but the interested woman gets nothing at all until she finally, painfully gives up hope that he'll call her again, and decides on her own that he must just not have been "
that into her."
And when the heck are you supposed to have this "thanks but no thanks" conversation? At the end of the date, when in most cases the man has paid for the meal and/or entertainment and is in a great mood because he likes you so much? When he calls to schedule the next date? At the door when he comes to pick you up for said next date? I've had multiple experiences that have scarred me for life against being able to be honest about not wanting future dates while riding in a car. I put it off and tell myself I'm trying to protect myself and be nice to him, but the longer I wait the harder the conversation is and the more tortured I am. Plus, I don't like feeling like I'm wasting his time and money when I know I don't want to date him anymore.
Sadly, I am really good at these conversations. I hate them, but I can usually spin them in a light that doesn't make the man feel like a total loser. It's a skill I wish I hadn't had to develop. I loathe feeling like the bad guy.
A few months ago, Frank***, a guy at church I had only talked with a couple of times before, told me that he was that ticked a girl broke up with him over the phone. Apparently he had thought things were going well, and was caught by surprise. He was really mad that she didn't have the guts to tell him in person; he thought she was totally selfish for making a phone call instead because it would be "easier on her." (Yeah, I'm sure that call was really easy.) When I pointed out he at least got some closure, Frank admitted he frequently took the "never call back" approach when no longer interested in a girl. I pointed out that he selfishly wanted her to break up with him the way HE would have preferred, and asked what approach this girl might have taken that might have made him feel less "abused." He didn't have a response. But it didn't make him feel any more sympathetic to her plight. The whole conversation just made me angry... and convinced me never to go out with him. If Frank was going to tell a relative stranger (which I was at the time) all of this personal information and in such an angry way, I didn't need him potentially spreading bile about me to the rest of the world, let alone our ward.
Is there a perfect solution way to break up with someone? Of course not. I can only take it one date at a time, one guy at a time, adapt to each situation, and do what I think is best. I have a tendency to over-empathize with people at the cost of my own feelings, and end up giving too many chances because I'm trying to be nice. Someone (I can't remember who) once said, "You don't owe your date anything but kindness and respect." I need to be better at that... and expect kindness and respect in return.
Emily Giffin was right. The person who cares less really does have all the power. It's an unfortunate truth and an awful power that I choose not to abuse when I'm the one who isn't interested.
I will say that I have had some very positive "I'm not that into you" conversations that have resulted in continued friendships. I've even had friendships with guys who didn't ask me out again after the first or second date. It
can be done! Sadly, this doesn't happen as often as I'd like, and I'm totally surprised when it does. Hooray for mature, decent, kind people! The dating process doesn't always have to be awkward and painful.
Hopefully, someday it works out. Until then, let's all just acknowledge that dating is difficult, and I hope it's preparing me for something in the future, relationship-related or otherwise!!
*For the record, I have called and asked a few guys out (because, in theory, we live in a modern age), and although they have always accepted, this course of action never resulted in a man asking me out on a return date. This is why I am a firm believer in the "If he's interested, he will ask you out" philosophy.
**A conversation colloquially known as "Defining the Relationship"
***Not his real name
