Whiplash

I'll never again say that a bad blind date won't kill me.

Dan* took me out for Mexican food which is a good way to get on my good side. We then headed over to an ice skating rink in Murray. I go ice skating once every three or four years, but I figured I'd be okay. I'm in pretty good shape after all. I stumbled a few times and managed to keep my feet for about 45 minutes while we talked about movies and theater.

And then, with no warning or wobble, my feet went out from under me, I fell on my back, and then I hit my head hard on the ice. I wasn't knocked unconscious, thank goodness, but it HURT. My vision went blurry and I started crying. I knew I was in shock at the very least. Dan knelt and asked if I was okay and I responded somewhat wittily, "No, it hurts a lot." After a few moments, I let him and another girl help me stand, escort me off the ice, and sit on a bench. An employee came over and asked me a few questions to make sure I didn't have a concussion (I didn't). He also gave me some ice to put on the back of my head. 

After a some sitting and talking, I said, "I think I'm going to go home now." Dan was very sweet, removing my skates and putting my other shoes on and lacing them for me. He then escorted me to my car and followed me home to make sure I got there okay. I did. I apologized for ruining the night and asked if we could try again sometime. No more ice skating though ;)

Theresa stayed with me overnight to make sure I woke up the next morning. I cannot say how much I appreciate that she volunteered to do that, especially since the next morning was Mother's Day. I made her waffles and bacon as a thank you. I did wake up just fine the next morning, thank goodness, and didn't have any of the "danger signs" listed for head injuries on the website I had looked up.

I didn't have any headaches, but over the next couple of days my neck got more and more sore. After four days, I couldn't move it side to side or even lean over without extreme pain. So I bit the bullet and went to an instacare. After an exam and some freaky-looking x-rays, the doctor told me it was whiplash. He prescribed some medication and the next day I felt a whole lot better.

I've been doing well ever since. The back of my head is still tender, but it and my neck are healing quickly. I plan to take it easy for another week or so, and then I'm back into yoga. I already miss it!

So, in closing, I got whiplash on a date. I feel pretty lucky, because it could have been a LOT worse. It would be a funny meet-cute if Dan and I get married. But for now, I finally have a "worst date" story. I'm not likely to forget it anytime soon!

*Not his real name.

Vulnerable

Last week at church, Jim* approached me and said that his friend Kurt* wanted to meet me. I was more than a little flustered (especially since I was already talking with a young man) but managed to finagle a four-way conversation so I could meet and talk with Kurt (Thanks, Tim, for being my wingman and keeping Jim busy). Kurt was seriously handsome. Handsome enough that I thought, "Of all the girls in the ward he wanted to meet me?" Honestly, men with his looks and easy-going manner don't talk with me very much, much less seek me out. After a few minutes of fairly normal questions and witty banter on his part and slightly off-kilter banter on mine, he told me that he lives out of state and asked if he could Friend me on Facebook. Impressed and still a little flustered, I said sure and told him my last name. He told me his last name and I said I'll be looking for him.

I did not hear from Kurt last week. I figured it was because my privacy settings restrict searches to friends of friends only, but I did a little checking and he IS the friend of a friend, so that might not be a problem. I figured, even if I never hear from him, at least our conversation was a boost to my self-esteem.

This week, Jim found me after Sunday School and launched into this explanation about how Kurt had recently dated a tall, gorgeous model/actress. Since I'd already been thinking Kurt was too good for me, all my insecurities kicked in. Of course he dates gorgeous models. I know my insecurity and "why is he telling me this??" thoughts showed up on my face, because suddenly Jim stopped and said, "I'm trying to have a serious conversation and you're making faces." I apologized rather lamely, wishing he'd stop talking about my gorgeous competition. He seemed to accept the apology, and that's when Jim said Kurt dumped the model and was looking for a "wholesome" girl. I wanted to be flattered, but that kicked up my insecurity even more since the last time someone said I was wholesome it was NOT meant as a compliment. Poor Jim had no idea. He just wanted to fill me in on Kurt so I'd know that even though Kurt lives out of state he's made long-distance relationships work before. I guess that means I should have hope?

Even though I still haven't heard from Kurt.

Meanwhile, I'm Facebook friends with Jim now, so at least Kurt has another way to find me. If he wants to. We'll see.

(Before you ask, no, I'm not going to Friend him. He said he's going to Friend me, and I'm going to let him take the initiative if he wants to.)

I guess the point of this post is to remind myself that even though I like who I am, I'm vulnerable, especially when faced with a man I like. I'm scared to be too nerdy, too silly, too spastic, too thoughtless, too quiet, not quiet enough. And then I become all those things.

I just keep hoping that even if I AM all those things (and I know there's nothing wrong with that), if a man likes me, he won't mind. It will be endearing and adorable. I'm not a model, but I am pretty darn adorable sometimes.

And if he does mind that I'm awkward and silly, there isn't much I can do about it anyway.

Through no fault of Jim or Kurt's, I was extra vulnerable on Sunday. I can learn from that and try to be more confident and in the moment next time. Listen to what he's saying without worrying about what he might or might not mean. And remember that sometimes men are vulnerable, too.

Especially when they ask to meet a strange girl at church.

*Not their real names

"Get in my cave, Woman!"

Once, when complaining to a female friend about how guys kept asking me for date activities I didn't care to do, she told me about what she called the "Caveman Effect", or "Get in my cave, Woman!"

Basically, in caveman days, all a man had to do to impress a girl was to club her over the head and drag her into his cave. She'd see how brave and strong and aggressive he was and fall hopelessly in love.

Nowadays, women don't take kindly to being clubbed and dragged. Instead, the man tries to impress her -- and gauge their compatibility -- by inviting her to do things he likes to do and is good at. This can be anything from country dancing, to hiking, to playing video games, to making dinner, to dinner at a fancy restaurant. The man finds out if the girl is up for it, and the girl gets to see the guy in his best light -- doing something he is good at and feels good about.

I went out several times recently with a guy who kept trying to drag me into his cave. I was willing to go along to a point... but it became evident early on that he didn't know how to make me feel welcome inside his cave, and he did not show any interest my likes or feelings. Turns out, there's a thin line between encouraging a person to try something new, and steamrolling over her comfort level. Some give and take is required, and it can't all come from the woman's side.

The Caveman Effect is less impressive when the man is more interested in his ego than the woman's opinion.

I'm willing to give a guy a chance. We're both nervous. We're both figuring each other out. If he has the guts to ask me out, I'll make an effort to ensure that he has a good time. I want to see where things go. See if I like him as a person. I'm on his side -- I want it to go well and see if we're a match. I'll make him as comfortable and appreciated as I can. It's nice when he does the same for me.

Thankfully, most men I've been out with do.

Being single is easy

I suspect the most we can hope for, and it's no small hope, is that we never give up, that we never stop giving ourselves permission to try to love and receive love.
- Elizabeth Strout

You know what's easy? Being single. When you're single, you don't have to ask permission to hang out with your friends, or spend your money the way you want, or audition for a play, and you don't have to consider someone else's schedule for vacations or anything else.

You know what's hard? Being in a relationship, or worse, looking for and trying to be in a relationship. It's hard to put ourselves out there, set ourselves up for rejection, share things -- just about everything -- with another person, and let them push our buttons, and try to avoid pushing theirs, and apologize for being selfish and thoughtless, and be forgiving, and generally work at being in a relationship.

It's so easy to be single. To give up. To say: "My life is fine as it is. I'm lonely sometimes, and yet I am not unhappy."

And yet, sometimes it's hard to do everything alone. I am strong, but it would be nice if someone else would be strong for me one in a while. I am independent, but it would be nice not to have to make all of the decisions ALL of the time. To have someone around to take care of me when I'm sick, and to rely on me to take care of them when they are, too. Someone to plan vacations with, or just want me around on days where all we're doing is watching football (in his case) or reading (in mine).

So, I guess I can't give up. I just have to believe that all of this frustration and heartache will one day be worth it. Marriage won't solve my problems (I hear it doubles and triples them). It would just be nice to have someone to share them with; someone who gets it 'cause he's in it with me.

I keep trying, but it's hard.

Any comments about how it's totally worth when you find the right person would be much appreciated!

Dating Rant

In regards to dating, 2013 has not been a great year for me so far. I'm not going to pretend it's been all bad. I have had some fun, I've learned a lot, and I have grown a little more comfortable with standing up for myself as an equal participant in a relationship. Hooray!

However, several things have happened that feel like the proverbial punch in the face. With that in mind, I just want to vent for a moment.

Note: I am not allowing comments on this post, because I'd prefer not
to do deal with them on this subject. My own thoughts are enough to
be going on for now. Thanks for your love and support!

• If I hear/see one more 19-22 year old girl whine about how hard it is to be single, I may have to smash something. Admittedly, I probably was one of those annoying girls. With the exception of this post, I tend to try not to dwell on being single. I would like to be married and yet I simultaneously acknowledge that I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm so tired of these girls posting their grief all over Facebook. 

• Dear #1 cheerleader: I signed up for online dating. You can stop pestering me about it now. If it works, great, but if it doesn't, please be ok with it. (I can live with the "I told you so's" if it does work. Everybody wins in that scenario!)

• What is up with the profile photos certain men put up on dating websites? Are they not really trying to attract women? Kind of a turn-off to only post photos of you wearing sunglasses (preventing me from seeing your actual face), photos you took of landscape and flowers on vacation (seriously?), photos of just your kids or past girlfriend (um... what?), half-hearted, blurry photos you took from your Mac at 2am where you aren't even smiling (sigh), or just not posting photos at all. Uh... I'm not trying to be extra-shallow, but I want to see what you actually look like, so that if we did arrange to meet I would know who you are! (Note, it bothers me only slightly less when people use these kinds of profile photos on Facebook, single or married.)

• Sometimes, I want to post something on Facebook like, "What is wrong with men? Why are they all such jerks?" And then I don't, because when I think about it I know quite a lot of non-jerky men, and there are likely a lot of other good men that I haven't met yet. It's unfair to blame all men when I'm really just mad at one guy.

• If we go out on one date and I say I don't want to go out again because I'm seeing someone else, it's not ok for you to throw a tantrum and make my life as difficult as possible after that. (Ideally, I wouldn't tell you about the other guy, but it was kind of unavoidable in this scenario.)

• I can totally relate to the girl in Larissa's guest post on The Cultural Hall blog who feels like the "token single friend." Thanks to all who don't make me feel this way. I have married friends, single friends, single-parent friends, teenage friends, empty-nester friends, etc. We all have different stuff going on. It can get exhausting trying to dissect "The Singles Problem" with those who aren't actually dealing with it... and boring when that's all my single friends want to talk about :P

• Actually, I love this post on A Blog About Love about 6 tips for single women (that also probably apply to men). I still hate it when married people give advice, but her heart is in the right place and it's also really good advice!

• But, seriously, married friends, don't post some jokey 121 reasons to date me and call me out saying you think I'd like it. I was unable to find it funny because so many of the items implied that the person writing (I guess in this instance, me) is a crazy idiot. I know you meant well, but it came off as condescending. You found your guy. Don't rub it in.

• Also, married men friends, don't tell me that if you were single you'd snap me up in a minute. The fact is that you are NOT single. Again, I know your heart is in the right place (and I would marry some of you if you WERE single), but this feels a little condescending. You're already married, so you're off the hook. And it makes me wonder why my single guy friends don't see what you apparently do.

• What is it with guys that don't want to be set up? Wait, let me rephrase that: I understand why some people don't want to be set up, and I respect that choice. However, consider this scenario: Your friend tells you that there is this awesome girl they think you would get along with. They give you the girls' number and you don't call. Then by some weird happenstance you end up in the same room with the girl, say, you separately are involved in a one-night-only variety show. You walk over to say "Hi" to the mutual friend, and the guy sees you and literally runs away at the first opportunity. This has happened to me twice in the last few months. I am a nice person and I hope I'm kind of pretty. It's really hard on the self-esteem when men can't try to be civil, or even look me in the eye. It's not like I'm trying to trap you! Sheesh! Relax! I can deal with men not being interested, but I can't deal with them actively being rude.

• Also, mutual friends trying to set us up: If the guy doesn't call me, give him a break. There are worse things than a guy who isn't interested (like a guy who runs away from me because you've put so much pressure on him and teased him mercilessly about it).

*Snarl*

*Sigh*

I think I have it out of my system now. Back into the pool!

A little dating help from my Bishopric

My Mid-Singles ward (consisting of individuals 31-44 years old) has had a new Bishopric for about six months. In the past couple of months, they've begun to more bold at the pulpit about how we need to get serious about pursuing marriage. And you know what? It's kind of nice. I'm not going to pretend I'm always in the mood, and sure I sometimes roll my eyes, but if I'm going to choose to be in a Singles ward what can I expect? They talk about being good mothers and fathers (and husbands and wives) in family wards, so it's only fair.

I think they've been getting bolder and more blatant because our ward does not seem to be getting smaller. I don't know how many people leave, but they read in a good 8-15 new members each week. We have about 700 members who regularly attend Sacrament meeting, three Elders Quorums, six Relief Societies, a ton of Sunday School classes (that are always full), six "counseling" couples who we can talk to if our problem doesn't necessarily require us to talk with the Bishopric, at least six regional Family Home Evening groups, and so forth. It's a little crazy. I can't even imagine being in charge of the spiritual (and in some cases physical and emotional) welfare of that many people. Our Bishopric is amazing.

I say it's a little crazy, and yet, we're the smallest of the three local Mid-Singles wards.

So, I can't blame the Bishopric for being vocal. A lot of what they say makes sense, and I think some of us (including me) need the encouragement and reminders. I sure am comfortable as a single lady. I really liked the approach one of the counselors took last week, telling the elders they should plan to spend Mother's Day next year in a home ward with the mother of their own children (they didn't say there needed to be children, yet, but there should be a wife). Cute!

In Sacrament meeting this week, the Bishop invited a former Mission President and friend of his, Mike Glauser, (who was somehow qualified to give us counsel on dating and relationships even though I wasn't listening to all of the credentials) to speak to our congregation. Bishop said we should take notes, and I'm glad that I did, because he had a lot of good things to say. Maybe they'll be of interest to some of you. I know they gave me a lot to think about.

Getting Married, Staying Married, and Building Relationships

Notes from a talk by Mike Glauser

Sunday, May 19, 2013

1) It's your choice -- God isn't going to tell you who to marry.

• Free agency is a great gift.
• Pray constantly for wisdom to recognize those you could have a successful marriage with.
• You only receive revelation for yourself -- If your date isn't feeling it, you can't make them. You have to respect their agency, too.
• When we make our own choices we are more committed to the outcome than if someone else chooses for us; you are more invested and you try harder to make it work.

2) Place yourself in circulation.

• You can't just pray for God to send you the person you're going to marry; you have to make an effort.
• We've all had relationships that didn't work out and we've all been hurt.
• YOU HAVE TO KEEP TRYING ANYWAY.
• Don't give up hope!
• Through trials and failed relationships, we learn patience, faith, fortitude, and humility; our hearts are purified and our souls expanded.
• "The wrong person is the right person to lead you to the right person."
• The more people you meet, the better choice you'll make.
• He talked about how Nordstrom is required to interview at least 10 people before they can hire someone. That way, they're able to hire the best person available.

3) Develop effective communication skills.

• Communication is a) the ability to express yourself and your life and experience, and b) the ability to listen and care about people and get to know them.
• You must be able to do both to communicate the most effectively.
• Don't be one of those people who just waits for a break in the conversation to say what you want to say, instead of listening to our conversation partner.
• Ask questions and understand what they're really saying, and not just what you think they're saying.
• Don't become hostage to your stories of pain and heartache.
• BE POSITIVE.
• People you are interesting in dating don't really want to hear about how hard your life and past experiences have been.
• Your past relationships should not be allowed to poison your current one.

4) Understand the role of physical attraction.

• Don't buy in to the fantasy -- only 1% of 1% of people fit the "Hollywood" standard.
• Initial physical attraction is only the beginning -- there has to be more than that.
• Wouldn't hurt to read How to Stop Looking for Someone Perfect and Find Someone to Love by Judith Sills
• Hormones are not great for making good choices -- being "out of your mind" in love isn't the best state of mind for choosing a life partner.
• It's okay to be average looking (thank goodness)!
• Common values, interests and attitudes build attractiveness over time.
• Become attractive in your own way
• Make friends and be a friend.
• Find someone you like to be around, makes you feel good about yourself, and makes you want to be a better person.

5) Moral cleanliness is important when choosing someone to marry.

• Immorality makes us emotional, confused, ashamed, and drives the Spirit away.
• Set rules for yourself in advance. When you get serious with someone, discuss the rules together so both of you are clear on what they are.
• When you make mistakes, repent and move on. We're human; don't spend too much time beating yourself up about it.

6) Become who you want to attract.

• Doctrine and Covenants 88 talks about how like things attract -- what we are and who we will become.
• Be very patient.
• Becoming completely perfect will take a lot of time, more than we have in this life.
• Celebrate your humanity, and just pick two or three things for now to work on physically and emotionally.
• Do things you're passionate about! It will make you more interesting and more happy!

7) At some point, commitment is required!

• "Love is not an emotion, passion, or chemistry. It is a commitment to make things work in a positive way."
• Confirmation will not come unless a commitment is made.
• 1-2 years is enough time to know if you like someone. 
• He shared a story about a woman he knew who waited eight years for her boyfriend to be ready. In the ninth year, he married her roommate.
• "It is ironic that life becomes really easy when we accept it's really hard." - Victor Frankel

8) The gospel of Jesus Christ should lead your life.

• We can't control our circumstances. but we CAN control our reaction to our circumstances.
• We agree to sacrifice and give something up.
• Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, serve others. Give. Put others ahead of yourself.
• He told a story about a woman in her forties who started to become bitter about being single. Her Bishop told her to start giving African violets to people who had lost a loved one or was experiencing similar heartache. She did it for 30 years and become known as the lady who gave flowers. She found happiness through service. Many people loved her and attended her funeral.  
• Cultivate love and compassion.
• Make a commitment to God, accept Jesus, be single to God's glory. (Pearl of Great Price, Moses 1:39)
• We will be filled with light and there will be no room for darkness or despair.
• Contribute to the world.
• Doctrine and Covenants 123: 17, "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

Funny enough (well, maybe not "ha ha" funny), I've been working on a "Dating Rant" post. I don't intend to publish it, but I've been feeling a lot of frustration lately and needed to spew it somewhere. So, I appreciated the timing and content of this talk; it gave me an opportunity to reset my attitude (or at least resume work on it). Hopefully I'll approach my next date -- whenever that is -- with a little more positivity and hope :)

Single friends: Good luck.

Married and similarly-committed friends: Keep up the good work!

I love you,

Meg

I might explode anyway...

"Don't you understand how Cho's feeling at the moment?" she asked. 

"No," said Harry and Ron together. 

Hermione sighed and laid down her quill. 

"Well, obviously, she's feeling very sad, because of Cedric dying. Then I expect she's feeling confused because she liked Cedric and now she likes Harry, and she can't work out who she likes best. Then she'll be feeling guilty, thinking it's an insult to Cedric's memory to be kissing Harry at all, and she'll be worrying about what everyone else might say about her if she starts going out with Harry. And she probably can't work out what her feelings toward Harry are anyway, because he was the one who was with Cedric when Cedric died, so that's all very mixed up and painful. Oh, and she's afraid she's going to be thrown off the Ravenclaw Quidditch team because she's been flying so badly." 

A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode." 

"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione nastily, picking up her quill again. 

- JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Thank you, JK Rowling, for so eloquently explaining why girls sometimes seem "crazy." I especially like that last sentence, as a reminder that not all of our worries are about boys, though they do seem to be the most confusing part, don't they? :)

I needed the reminder today that I am normal.

Feeling peevish

Here is an incomplete list of my pet peeves, in no particular order:

• Empty rolls of paper towels and toilet paper. How hard is it to grab a new one when you use the last square? I am so tired of feeling like I am always the one replacing them. (Does everyone else feel this way? Have they given up? Hmmm...)
• Backhanded compliments. A girl posted on one of our Little Women publicity photos that one of the girls was "the only one who looks like she's not wearing a bad wig. you are gorgeous!" What? She couldn't find a way to publicly compliment her friend without making the rest of us feel like garbage? Never mind the fact that only two out of 5 girls was even wearing a wig. Rude! 
• Saying "I've got a secret!" then refusing to tell me what it is. If you're just looking for attention, I'm not going to pry your secret out of you. Tell me or don't. I'll find out somehow in just a little while anyway... especially if you're telling everyone else I know.
• Cell phones in movie theaters. You already know how strongly I feel about this. I'm on the verge of not going to movies anymore, and that makes me so sad! Why give the jerks the power??
• Guilt trips disguised as teasing. All teasing is based on real feelings. I feel guilty about a lot of things right now, why do you think it's funny to make me feel worse, and then make me feel even more badly when I don't laugh it off? 
• People who don't listen. There are only so many times I am willing to repeat myself before giving up on whatever I was talking about.
• Unsolicited dating advice. This is not limited to married people giving advice, or even advice about dating, really. It's one thing if I trust and respect you enough to ask for help or an opinion. Otherwise, please butt out.
• People who think the rules don't apply to them. If I've been in a long line for 20 minutes, I'm not going to take it kindly if you just move in front of me and pretend I won't notice. I will. And unless you have a darn good reason, I will tell you to get in the back (at which point you'll act like I am the rude one). Life isn't fair, but you don't need to act like you're better than the rest of us.
• Rude salespeople and waiters, and people who are rude to salespeople and waiters. It takes a special kind of person to work in the service industry. I've manned phones before and there are a LOT of really nice people in the world... but it just took one jerk to ruin my day. On the flip side, if I am paying you for a service, or you are paid to offer me service, and I being civil, don't take advantage and don't take your frustrations out on me. I'm not intentionally trying to make your life harder by pointing out that you forgot my side of bacon.
• People who don't use their blinkers while driving. I don't read minds! Please give me some warning you're moving into my lane... or out of it!

Are any of these on your list? What behaviors really drive you crazy?

Feuding friends

I have been really, really fortunate to meet a lot of amazing people. People that I've shared experiences with, talked long into the night with, dated, been roommates with, worked with, and so forth.

One of my besties at church (let's call her Cindy to preserve her anonymity) makes the effort to see every play I do. I love that she's one of my biggest fans and usually brings a group of our friends with her. Last Sunday, I wanted to give some information about my show to a guy friend of mine that Cindy hasn't been able to stand for nearly a year. Cindy came with me to talk with him, and to my great surprise she invited him to go with her group. She told me later they still don't get along, but they had talked beforehand about seeing my show. I don't know if Cindy has any idea how much it means to me that she can put her differences aside for my sake. She knows that I love her and him and that I want them both there. That, to me, is the epitome of selflessness. I am so grateful for her example!

Ross and Rachel made things more
difficult for the other Friends.

The saddest thing to me is when two friends have a falling out, and decide they cannot be friends anymore. I still love them both. How could I ever decide between two people who mean so much to me? Sadder still is when the group of friends we belonged to breaks up because no one wants to choose sides and it's easier just to stop hanging out then try to appease the feuders.

I have made a huge effort not to take sides in these situations. There are two -- or more -- sides to every story, so each one must be taken with a grain of salt. No one is perfect. It's not an easy thing to do, but when both friends need someone to talk to, and they both talk with me, I sympathize and smile and assure them that I still love them (because I do). Can I understand why each feels the way they do? Sure. Do I wish it didn't turn out the way it did? Sure. Do I wish they could work it out (because so often it's a big, fat misunderstanding)? HEAVENS YES!!

It's a good thing I'm not much of a party thrower, because I hate to think that my feuding friends wouldn't come in order to avoid the other. Of course I'd want both of my friends there. Then again, maybe I wouldn't want the tension of having them both there... just another reason why I so rarely plan get-togethers. I can't deal with the stress of making sure everyone has a good time.

Even worse is when I AM one of the feuding friends. I've been the wronged and the wronger (in the other person's eyes, anyway) and it sucks every time I have to dissolve a friendship. It's never without a lot of pain, reflection, and attempts to reconcile, but sometimes I just have to do it to protect myself (or the other person does). I am so exceedingly grateful to mutual friends who don't judge me and do their best to be supportive both to me and the very good person that I can no longer get along with. I hope I never make the person in the middle feel uncomfortable. I hope my peacemaking friends know how much I appreciate their support. I hope I never make them feel like they have to take sides (though it's only human to hope they would take mine if it came down to it).

Like I said, I've met a lot of amazing people, and even when I don't get along with some of them anymore, I know their good qualities and hope that they are surrounded by other fantastic folks who DO want to be around them. We all need wonderful friends!

It sucks to be stuck in the middle.

That awkward moment when...

That awkward moment when I realize that the guy I'm crushing on, and the guy who is paying attention to me is not the same person.

Fortunately, I'm an adult. Back in Junior High I felt helpless to change situations like these, but now I know that's not true. I CAN change my circumstances! I am in control of my own actions! I choose not to feel helpless and sorry for myself!

It's time to put the crush out of my mind, and give the real-life admirer more attention.

Being vulnerable is scary, but it's better than wondering "what if" yet again.

Sometimes being an adult isn't too bad :)

Happy Vamlumtimes Day!

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Fun fact of the day: Because of this episode of Teen Girl Squad!, every time I hear the words "Valentine's Day" I mentally replace it with "Valumtimes Day." Fortunately, I can usually restrain myself from saying that out loud.

Second fun fact of the day: I have never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. I WAS kissed for the first time on the holiday (third fun fact?), but that particular experience traumatized me -- not in a good way -- for years afterwards, so I try not to think about it too much.

As a result, Valentine's Day has traditionally become an extra excuse to tell my friends and family how much I love them, pig out on candy, and watch sappy chick flicks. Sounds like a good day to me!

How can one be sad to be single when she's surrounded by so many wonderful people? There is far too much hope in my world to feel too sad for too long. Thanks for giving me a reason to celebrate the fact that you are part of my lives!

Happy Valumtimes Day, my loves! Hope it's a good day, whether you have a special someone, special plans, or just end up watching reruns of Seinfeld at home.

I love you!

Letters to people

Dear interested men,
Please have mercy on me. Sometimes I am just as clueless as a teenage boy when it comes to flirting and recognizing signals. Have patience. I am trying.

This works both ways!!!

Dear rejected men,
Don't give up on women and dating and marriage altogether! Don't waste your time on the woman who said "No." She might be a fool or simply have had good intentions. If there's one thing I've learned in my 17 years of dating, it's that there is someone for everyone. Really. Keep hoping. 

Dear maneating women,
Stop breaking good guys! If you're not interested, move on as soon as possible and give other girls a chance. 

Dear handsome jerks*,
Do not rely on your good looks alone. Finding a "decent" girl takes effort and kindness. No matter how hot you are, arrogance and entitlement will wreck your chances every time. 

Dear Home Owners Association,
Please schedule the 2011 (yes, "2011" -- not a typo!) meeting already! If you're going to charge me a bunch of money because of all of the setbacks from the last two years, I'd rather know sooner than later so I can move on and start making other financial plans. 

Dear television shows and movies that feature dancing,
Some of us, including me, actually want to see the choreography. Kindly knock off the 3-second shots and shaky cam. Also, it's helpful to be able to see the feet (especially for tap) or entire body (pretty much all instances) of the performer. Those choreographers and dancers work hard, and I would like to be able to appreciate that work. Otherwise, what's the point of filming a dance?!!! 

Dear NPR,
Thank you for keeping me apprised of world/political/cultural goings-on! It's nice not to feel completely clueless anymore. 

Dear rehearsals,
I wait for you ALL DAY LONG and you never disappoint! I didn't think it was possible to bond with a cast so quickly, or love convoluted dialogue so much. I am a little embarrassed that I can't articulate how very happy you make me. Bless you, and keep it up! 

Dear people who post photos of food on blogs or Facebook,
I can't decide if I love or hate you. On the one hand, it looks amazing. On the other hand, now I'm hungry!!

Dear chocolate cake donuts with chocolate frosting and sprinkles,
You are so mean. By some miracle, I have been able to resist you four times in the last three weeks. You already know you are my favorite; I promise that no other treat is even close to satisfactorily replacing you. Leave me alone for awhile!

Dear coworkers,
Yes, there is a new wall next to my cubicle. Things like that happen when the office is remodeled. No, I don't want to chat about it every single time there is a change: "Ooh! It's been framed!" "Ooh! It's been drywalled!" "Ooh! It's been puttied!" Thanks, time-wasting Captain Obvious.

Dear every pair of jeans I own,
Why are you all too short?!! I washed you before I hemmed you and you STILL shrunk?! Not cool, jeans. Not cool. Someday I would actually like to look stylish >:(

Dear blogging friends,
POST SOMETHING SOON! I love hearing from you.

Dear reading friends,
Thanks for putting up with my random thoughts, events, and ranting!
You are the BEST!! 

Sincerely, 

Miss Megan


*Not all handsome men are jerks. Thank goodness.
Also, the term "handsome" is relative. As I said, there is someone for everyone if you don't give up!

My life in metaphor: senior year

I find it extremely annoying when people try to fabricate lessons out of regular life events. I once went on a date where my escort took me to a dance concert. On the way there, he said "Wouldn't it be fun to look for all of the lessons you can learn from this activity and then discuss them afterward?" I laughed, because I thought -- hoped really -- that he was kidding. He wasn't. So, I had to make up a bunch of stuff I learned by watching a dance concert. It was a weird date. I just don't think that absolutely everything that everybody does during the day has quite that much significance. Can't we just sit back and enjoy life once in awhile? Or even twice in awhile? Am I allowed to just watch a ballroom dance concert without having to think about things like, "Wow, when you work really hard together, you can accomplish things waaaay more impressive than you could do on your own" or "when even one person is out of sync, it throws the entire family out of whack until you can all adjust."

And now that I have that rant out of the way, I'm going to break my own arrogant rule, because I've been thinking about this particular metaphor a lot lately and I think it's pretty profound. It's profound to me, anyway. As I dissect that period in my life and apply it to now, I'm learning quite a bit about the way I approach events...and how much I still don't have figured out.

(Actually, this is more of a parable -- or maybe even a rime -- than a metaphor (as in "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" which is a super-long poem that I managed to slog through in a college poetry class, and now see references to everywhere in literature -- most notably, the "albatross around the neck" imagery). The following story is too long to be a metaphor, but since I love my blog title, I'm leaving it as is.)

**WARNING -- this post is very long**

The Story
I was first exposed to the Madrigals during an assembly at my Junior high school. I remember sitting audience left, and watching the singers closest to me as they sang in perfect sync with the rest of the 24-person group. I still remember who some of them were. Six singers sang each choral part, and when they broke into 8 part harmony, my music-loving heart was overwhelmed. The most amazing part? They didn't need a director. One person in the front blew into a pitch-pipe, another subtly nodded her head so they could all keep the beat, and everyone knew their parts and sang with intensity and a smile. They were amazing.

I knew then that I wanted to be a Madrigal someday.

I had a voice that most of my acquaintances agreed was very pretty, so I went about finding out what I needed to do to become one of "The Mads." At the high school, you needed to take at least a year of one of the other choirs, you needed to audition (of course), and when called back you had to pass a "sight-singing" test, meaning, I had to be able to read music.

Choir girls!

I enrolled and participated in one of the choirs for my Sophomore year, and when in the Spring it came time to audition for Mads the next year I decided against it. Very few Juniors were ever selected, and I wanted a bit more practice with sight-reading. I realized I was putting all of my eggs in one basket -- one shot to make it or break it -- but I knew that I fit all of the requirements, so I enrolled and participated in A'Cappella the next year.

The next spring, just before auditions for Madrigals for my Senior year, we had auditions for the Fall musical, which was My Fair Lady. I auditioned and was called back with three other girls for Eliza Doolittle. I didn't get the part. I was very disappointed because she was the only lead female who sings, but I consoled myself with the knowledge that I'd be in Madrigals, so it would even out. I wouldn't be a complete unknown.

When it came time for the auditions, I was ready. I sang a song that I knew I rocked, and everyone who was listening (consisting of everyone else auditioning and a ton of interested observers) said that I did really well. When I filled out my audition form, there was a section that said, "What priority would you give Madrigals, if selected?" I love to sing more than any other activity in the world. I remember thinking "It would be my first priority -- even before theatre." At that time I had a reputation as a true theatre-junkie who not only did as many school plays as she could, but was also active in community theatre. I did seven different plays each during my Sophomore and Junior years. But I decided that the last part of my thought was overkill, and wrote simply, "Madrigals would be my first priority."

I was called back. So far so good. My sight-singing went okay; I hit all the notes but got muddled with the timing. But as I looked around at all of my friends my confidence was high. I was going to be a Madrigal. I just knew it. I couldn't wait to see my name on the list outside of the choir room.

Unfortunately, I had to wait. It seemed like forever but was probably only a week. For some reason, I didn't remember it taking so long the year before, but that was probably because I didn't have so much invested that time.

Finally, finallyThis was it! I was going to see my name and my dream was going to come true! I pushed my way to the list and stood in front of my friend Michelle (who was almost six foot and had no trouble seeing over my head) and gleefully scanned the names.

My name was not on the list.

I went numb, and it took a few seconds for it to register.

When I could finally accept that I was not a first or second soprano, or a first or second alto, and I realized I had to get out of the way so that others could see the list, I turned to Michelle -- who WAS on the list -- said, "Congratulations" and burst into tears. All of my best friends in choir had made the cut, and I hadn't. Instead, I was the nobody who everyone felt sorry for. I learned that day there's no such thing as a "sure thing"; I've never been able to take an audition for granted since.

The last few weeks of school were awful. It was bad enough that my dreams had been dashed, but then I started hearing rumors from reputable sources stating things like the reason why it took the choir director, Mr. Lee, so long to decide was because he was back and forth whether to choose me or so-and-so. So, then every time I saw that girl for the next year I thought, "If it hadn't been for you, I would have been in Madrigals." And Mr. Lee even pulled me aside one day, said that he was sorry that I didn't make it, but "at least you still have theatre, right?" I could have died. For the rest of my life I'll wish I put "It would be my first priority -- even before theatre" on that audition form. He was so kind, and obviously trying to make me feel better, so I agreed and found a private place to start crying all over again.

I decided to sign up for A'Cappella my Senior year, knowing that all of the Madrigals would be in the class, and hoping that it wouldn't hurt to see them every other day and be reminded of what I had lost. After all, I still loved to sing, I loved the choir, and I loved my friends. But that first day was torture. Mr. Lee took all of the sopranos into another room to determine if we were first or second sopranos. If we didn't know, he'd have us run a few scales. Well, each of my friends responded with a "Well, I'm a first soprano in Mads" or "I'm a second soprano in Mads." I hated them. I was filled with jealousy and raw pain so acute that I wanted to scream and hit them.

I had decided to quit the class, until I heard Mr. Lee say my name. Shocked, I listened as he explained he wanted me to be one of the two secretaries for the choir, to take roll and help organize selecting a dress and so forth. I was surprised to hear that the other girl wasn't in Madrigals either -- usually one of the secretaries was. I said, "Yes" and made it my goal to work hard and not let myself regret it. I stayed true to that goal.

The Fantastic Mr. Santa Claus --
how I wish the Children's Theater
would do it again!

I stayed in A'Cappella and most days it wasn't too painful. The Madrigals practiced outside of school, and I just kept doing what I had been doing -- namely, as many plays as I could. Since I wasn't in Madrigals, my Christmas season wasn't terribly busy I even did a play in December, which I hadn't done the previous years. This turned out to be a good decision, because during the Christmas Choir concert, I became so upset when the Madrigals sang that I had to leave the auditorium. It was too hideous to see them sing those songs when I had wanted for so long to belong. I cried in the lobby for their entire set list.

Somehow, it seemed like I just missed being the star in every play that year. I played a lot of small parts, and my drama teacher told the entire My Fair Lady cast one day that I had the BEST cockney accent, and I had a lot of fun, but my fragile 18 year old ego rankled that I always seemed to be the girl people were entertained by but didn't remember afterwards. Even when it came to drama competitions, I always came in fourth, which meant that I didn't get to advance to the next level.

We came again to the end of the year: time for the annual "Disneyland Choir Tour." Basically, you sign up, pay for the trip, go to extra rehearsals to learn the songs and dances, and then get a on a bus with all your friends to perform and play in Las Vegas and Disneyland (we also visited Universal Studios, but didn't perform there). The Madrigals were all pretty much required to go, and the rest of us could sign up until the bus was full (assuming the guy/girl ratio wasn't too off... you need male voices in a choir). This year was a bit different, because instead of going after the school year had ended, we went the week before Memorial Day, so we had a few weeks left of school when we returned.

The trip was a blast! What better than fifty or so teen-aged friends crammed onto a bus for days on end, then running around in the southern California sun? I'd gone on the choir trip the year before, but somehow I only remember performing at Disneyland during my Senior year. We took a billion photos to commemorate our awesomeness. The best part was that we knew we'd still have two weeks back in school to solidify new friendships made on the trip... that was the hard part about scheduling the trip at the end of the year.

Universal Studios
My fanny pack is awesome

On the one Sunday we were on the tour, we visited the Los Angeles Temple. This was cool for me, because my parents were married there, and to my knowledge I had never seen it in person. I imagined my parents as newlyweds and wondered what the future would hold for me. I had a crush on one of the guys in the choir and hoped we'd get to spend more time together after the tour.

I don't remember if the whole choir got to perform in the Visitor's Center, but I know the Madrigals did. I'd managed to watch their performance during the Spring concert, but just like at Christmas, I couldn't do it this time. It just crashed in on me that they had all had a year to bond with each other, and had amazing experiences, and I had not been a part of it.

Again, I left the room to find a place to cry. My friend Laura S. found me and comforted me until she could ask what was wrong. I told her. I felt sorry for myself that I didn't get to be in Madrigals. I had wanted it for years, did everything I thought I could to make it happen, and I'd spent the whole year watching all my other friends grow closer through an experience that I couldn't share. My Senior year hadn't been anything like I had wanted it to be. I felt so small and empty and pathetic.

She said, "Megan, would you have been able to do City Rep if you hadn't been in Mads?"

That brought me up short.


I've painted a doom-and-gloom picture, but really my overall Senior year was a positive experience. It just wasn't the one I had always hoped for. I had thought being in Madrigals would make me important. I'd wanted to belong to the elite singing group so that I could know that I was one of the very special, talented ones. When that didn't happen, I didn't know where I belonged. So, I just kinda did what I'd always done, tried to be happy for my friends, tried to not think "what if" too often. What else could I do? I'd given it my best and it hadn't worked out. I still had to live my life, so I did it the only way I knew how.

An Observation
I happened to hang out with a group of Madrigals a few years ago, and they all started reminiscing about the good times they spent together and talking about how they should do a Mads reunion. I apologetically interrupted and said, "Um, guys. I wasn't in Mads. I'm not a part of that group." To my surprise, none of them remembered this seemingly significant fact. Short of my actually sharing the Mads experiences with them, they considered me part of the group. The amazing singer divide had been all in my head; they had never looked at themselves as better than I was. They didn't treat me any differently than they were because in their opinion I belonged there. It was quite an eye-opener to me. I may have felt left out, but it wasn't because they purposely excluded me. My friends were, and still are, awesome.

How does the story apply to me now?
I wonder if you're thinking "How in the world is that freakishly long story a metaphor?"

Well, I've decided that I haven't changed much since high school. I still approach things the same way.


My life has totally NOT turned out the way I thought it would. I thought that I would marry somewhat young (like, my last year of college), have kids pretty soon, and never had to work or support myself. I NEVER would have imagined that I'd be thirty-three, a career-ish woman, and on my own.

My mom got married when she was twenty-one, so I took for granted that I'd get married at twenty-one, too. But when I was twenty-one, I went on a mission instead. During my mission, some of my companions (I had two at the time) and I made up futures for each other (that was the companionship I where I compared our personalities with Designing Women -- I was Annie Potts-- and Golden Girls -- I was Sophia, of course). My companions decided I was going to be married at twenty-four and-a-half, do a lot of travelling with my husband, and start having kids at age twenty-seven. By the time I was thirty-three I was supposed to have three kids.

That was the expectation, and now that it hasn't happened I have a hard time not feeling cheated. I sometimes see my SAHM friends with their one-to-four kids and am overcome with jealousy. I hear them complain about their husbands and wish I could complain about mine, too. I love them and celebrate their joys and commiserate with their sadness and force myself not to wish I were in their shoes.
 
I continue to do what I've always done. I do whatever feels natural and I try not to question it. I graduated with a Bachelor's degree in English, and when the editing/newspaper jobs didn't come I took another job that seemed likely. Now I'm doing technical writing and I quite like it. I never thought I could work for a living, and was afraid that I wouldn't be able to support myself. Not only have I learned that I CAN support myself, but aside from my mortgage I've never been in serious debt.

I continue to do theatre, because why not? I'm coming into my stride and finally getting the good parts I wanted in high school. I've made a list of dream roles and am looking for opportunities to sing and perform. I won't always be young and cute (old and cute, maybe, but not young forever) and I'm taking advantage of it while I can.

I save my money and paid time off so I can travel and see as many places on my bucket list as I can.

I enjoy my life as much as I always have, because I have the nagging feeling that this way of life won't last. And I hope it doesn't.

But I feel like there's a time-bomb over my head and I won't know when it's going to go off. Will my life ever change? Would I know what to do with myself if it did? I'm afraid to make long-term plans because I don't know what's going to happen one, five, or ten years from now. Buying the condo was hard for me, because it was yet something else I didn't think I'd do alone. I never planned for a career, and I don't know if I want to do what I'm doing for the rest of my life, should it come to that.

I know that life isn't static -- I change with every experience every day.

My main desire for this life is still to be a wife and mother. If I met the right guy tomorrow I wouldn't hesitate giving up my current life, just like if there had been a spot for me in Mads I would have taken it in an instant. Last choice is still chosen. Dating and marriage ares not something I have total control over and that worries me.

At the same time, there's something comforting in knowing that my life situation doesn't mean that I'm not good enough -- I just haven't found the right person... or I have but neither of us know it yet. Was I talented and dedicated enough to have been in Madrigals? Yes, I was. Am I cute and fun and smart and loyal and forgiving and dedicated enough to be a good wife someday? Absolutely.

Conclusion
Eight years after high school ended, I was lucky enough to be cast in A Christmas Carol at Hale Center Theatre in West Valley. I was part of an octet -- a group a third as large as the Madrigal choir. It was supremely cool singing with those other seven (well, fourteen, counting the other cast) talented performers. Years after the Madrigal disappointment, I still got to be part of an elite singing group. The Hale and my fellow octitians will never know how much that experience meant to me. My favorite memories from that show are standing in a circle around the piano, singing my heart out, and amazing music director Anne Puzey not having anything to tweak in our performance. It made for an awesome Christmas and still makes me happy when I think about it. That's the reason I continued to audition for so many years afterwards, even though I haven't been cast again. It was totally worth all the fear of rejection!

Wassail, wassail to my M/W/F cast!

My married time will come. I have a hard time believing that if I live for another thirty years that I won't get married SOME time between now and death. It'll be different than I anticipate, but it will be just as worth it.

So, there you have it: my Madrigal/marriage metaphor. If you made it all the way through to the end, you're either a really good friend, or I did an okay job with my story-telling. Either way, thanks for sticking with me!

Crushes and dreams

Have you ever had a crush on someone that abruptly ended when you dreamed your crush was a jerk to you?

Or, have you ever thought of someone just as a friend (or been trying to avoid a crush) until you dreamed the two of you got married and your crush was an absolute doll?

Remember how dreams are the subconscious just messing with you and your conscious mind can't be blamed but do have to deal with the unsettling consequences??

Well played, subconscious. Now I can't figure out how I really feel about this guy.

Mean, but well played :P

 

or

????

In other news, while searching for images this morning, I somehow changed the languages setting on my Google account to another language and I don't know which one. And since I don't know which it is, I haven't been able to successfully figure out how to change it back. This is going to get obnoxious really fast!!

Please don't propose to me at a sporting event

I really, really super hope that my future boyfriend/fiance/husband knows better than to propose to me in this way*:



I always felt like getting engaged in a public place like this feels like it's more about the crowd than about the two people pledging to share their lives together. I don't want to feel like I HAVE to say yes to save his dignity. I want to say yes because I love him and want to share my life with him. It seems too personal a thing to have so many people watching.

Does this surprise you about me? It's true that I spend a lot of time onstage, but that's me acting, not me being me. I don't otherwise like being the center of attention. I especially don't like being "shown off" by my dates, because it invariably involves the guy acting in a way that he knows makes me feel uncomfortable but he thinks is funny and makes him feel all manly and important. I don't want to get engaged while a bunch of strangers who don't care about us galk at us (this includes the current Flashmob proposal trend). Plus, I expect there will be a lot of making out involved when I get engaged, and I HATE PDAs**!

When it happens, I hope he proposes in a way that is meaningful to us both. I'm a pretty simple girl. (I will admit to being afraid of unexpected rings in my food -- a girl could break her teeth!!)

Tell me, how did your significant other propose to you? Did he propose in a public place, and if so did you like it? For those still waiting, do you have any preferences?


*I will not mind if my future husband is a sports fan.
**Public Displays of Affection

Closure/no closure

Disclaimer: Not everyone approaches dating the same way. My experiences are limited to, well, MY experiences. I am handling my dating life as well as I can but I am aware that I make plenty of mistakes. Please no mean comments, even if meant to be "helpful." I'm looking for understanding here, since I'm just trying to understand, too.

I understand that not all dates will result in marriage, and one date doesn't mean you're obliged to ask for or accept another with that person. That's okay -- dating is experimenting. It's a job interview. How will you know you like someone if you don't give them a chance? If it doesn't work out, then you look for someone you might have a better chance with.

BUT, I find it the height of unfairness that if a man and woman go out a few times, and the woman continues to be interested and the guy is not, the guy can end the dating relationship by simply not calling the woman anymore. At all costs, he will avoid the conversation that might result in her being upset and him being uncomfortable. So, the guy moves on and the woman gets no closure.*

BUT, if the guy is interested and the woman is not, the woman has to either avoid phone calls for the rest of eternity (because it takes forever for the guy to get the passive-aggressive "hint") or tell the guy that she's not interested, which often doesn't go well. It sucks to have a DTR** with someone you've only been on a few dates with.

So, the interested guy ends up getting closure, but the interested woman gets nothing at all until she finally, painfully gives up hope that he'll call her again, and decides on her own that he must just not have been "that into her."

And when the heck are you supposed to have this "thanks but no thanks" conversation? At the end of the date, when in most cases the man has paid for the meal and/or entertainment and is in a great mood because he likes you so much? When he calls to schedule the next date? At the door when he comes to pick you up for said next date? I've had multiple experiences that have scarred me for life against being able to be honest about not wanting future dates while riding in a car. I put it off and tell myself I'm trying to protect myself and be nice to him, but the longer I wait the harder the conversation is and the more tortured I am. Plus, I don't like feeling like I'm wasting his time and money when I know I don't want to date him anymore.

Sadly, I am really good at these conversations. I hate them, but I can usually spin them in a light that doesn't make the man feel like a total loser. It's a skill I wish I hadn't had to develop. I loathe feeling like the bad guy.

A few months ago, Frank***, a guy at church I had only talked with a couple of times before, told me that he was that ticked a girl broke up with him over the phone. Apparently he had thought things were going well, and was caught by surprise. He was really mad that she didn't have the guts to tell him in person; he thought she was totally selfish for making a phone call instead because it would be "easier on her." (Yeah, I'm sure that call was really easy.) When I pointed out he at least got some closure, Frank admitted he frequently took the "never call back" approach when no longer interested in a girl. I pointed out that he selfishly wanted her to break up with him the way HE would have preferred, and asked what approach this girl might have taken that might have made him feel less "abused." He didn't have a response. But it didn't make him feel any more sympathetic to her plight. The whole conversation just made me angry... and convinced me never to go out with him. If Frank was going to tell a relative stranger (which I was at the time) all of this personal information and in such an angry way, I didn't need him potentially spreading bile about me to the rest of the world, let alone our ward.

Is there a perfect solution way to break up with someone? Of course not. I can only take it one date at a time, one guy at a time, adapt to each situation, and do what I think is best. I have a tendency to over-empathize with people at the cost of my own feelings, and end up giving too many chances because I'm trying to be nice. Someone (I can't remember who) once said, "You don't owe your date anything but kindness and respect." I need to be better at that... and expect kindness and respect in return.

Emily Giffin was right. The person who cares less really does have all the power. It's an unfortunate truth and an awful power that I choose not to abuse when I'm the one who isn't interested.

I will say that I have had some very positive "I'm not that into you" conversations that have resulted in continued friendships. I've even had friendships with guys who didn't ask me out again after the first or second date. It can be done! Sadly, this doesn't happen as often as I'd like, and I'm totally surprised when it does. Hooray for mature, decent, kind people! The dating process doesn't always have to be awkward and painful.

Hopefully, someday it works out. Until then, let's all just acknowledge that dating is difficult, and I hope it's preparing me for something in the future, relationship-related or otherwise!!

*For the record, I have called and asked a few guys out (because, in theory, we live in a modern age), and although they have always accepted, this course of action never resulted in a man asking me out on a return date. This is why I am a firm believer in the "If he's interested, he will ask you out" philosophy.
**A conversation colloquially known as "Defining the Relationship"
***Not his real name

So, do you, like, paint houses or something?

During my second-to-last year at BYU, I had a huge, huge, monster of a crush on my Home Teacher, Mike. He was handsome, tall, soft-spoken, and really nice. You know, one of those guys you can tell is a good guy but so shy he pretty much doesn't ever talk. So, I tried really hard to pick up on clues as to things we could chat about, so, you know, he could go ahead and start falling in love with me.

One day early in the school year, he showed up to my appointment a little sweaty and wearing paint-spattered shorts. He apologized for his appearance and said something about how he'd been painting all day. Not knowing anything about him, I asked something along the lines of "So, do you, like, paint houses or something?" I thought it was a fair question, and I didn't mean to be condescending. Two of my brothers and one of my cousins spent a couple summers painting apartment complexes to help pay for school.

But, Mike got this "You really don't know?" look on his face, laughed in a slightly embarrassed way and said, "Um, no. I'm painting a mural in the library."

This mural.

For a larger photo with better resolution, click here.

To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement. Granted, why would I know he was an art major, or was painting a mural in a section of the library I almost never visited? Still, as a young woman with a crush, I could have died. But I soldiered through the rest of the appointment and the rest of the year, saying "Hi" to him and when I passed him in the halls or at church, and wishing he weren't so shy.

The next year, Mike wasn't my Home Teacher, but he was still in my ward. I continued to pine for him, but since I was a chicken and he barely knew I existed (I would later understand he just wasn't "that into me"), nothing happened.

Until the Spring.

My cousin's wife called me for some reason or another. This was a little significant because it's the only time I can remember her doing so. But she wanted to set me up with her neighbor. She told me about how nice and good-looking he was, and how he was always willing to help her out when she asked. She said he was a BYU student and we might get along.

Then she said his name: Michael Lenhardt.

I laughed. "Really? He's in my ward! He was my home teacher last year!"

She laughed too, and we agreed it was a funny coincidence.

I took that as my sign to ask him out... I figured I had nothing to lose. I had a crush on him and was leaving school in a few months anyway. My roommate, Jennifer, and I planned a low-key date. I asked him and although he was surprised he politely said yes.

We went hiking and then got ice cream after. Like I said, low key. To keep the conversation going, I asked him every question I could think of, but I'm afraid none of them were very interesting. By the time we got to the ice cream parlor, I was pretty sure he hadn't managed to fall in love with me. But, I had a good time, and was glad that I tried.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to Mike. I tried to Google him, but apparently the name is pretty common (I nearly passed out when I saw he'd been in a car accident... then realized it was some other guy). I hope Mike found a gorgeous, intelligent, charming, and kind woman and fell head-over-heels in love. I hope he's doing amazing work somewhere, and coaching his five kids in soccer during the summers.

Mike was the first guy --outside of high school dances -- that I ever asked out, and I'll always have a soft spot for him for that reason. I'm glad that I don't have to ask "What if?" And I'm glad that, even if he wasn't interested, he was still so nice to me!

Ah, memories!