The Natural Man

For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
- Mosiah 3:19, The Book of Mormon

It struck me recently how very true this statement is, and how very far I have to go until I am a truly Christ-like person. Much as I would like to believe and appear otherwise, I am not an angel. I do stupid things, lie to myself that I'm really doing my best, and am surprised by the consequences. I suppose this is true of everyone, but I feel it keenly.

The Natural Man part of myself does not fight fair. She teams up with Satan -- I don't care what you say, he IS real -- and works on my insecurities and hits right where it hurts every time. He doesn't even have to try new tactics each time because the tried-and-true methods work and rip old wounds into something bigger than they were. He knows just where to hit and how hard, and I keep letting him! I keep giving him the power! Why is it so hard to remember that most of my negative thoughts are fed by Satan and that it's my choice to feel that way? Why do I have troubling remembering that Jesus Christ has been through everything I have and much, MUCH more and is willing to help me through if I just accept the help?

What threatens to destroy me is how easy it is to wallow in those feelings of hideous imperfection Satan plants there. How easy it is to beat myself up about anything I do wrong. How difficult it is for me to own up to my mistakes and accept that the things I do will pretty much always affect other people. How easy it is to want to blame someone else, and how difficult not to get other people involved. How difficult it is for me to forgive myself when I know that I have caused pain, and worse, when I can't let go of the pain so I just torture myself. How difficult it is for me to let my self-revulsion and anger go. How easy it is to think of places where I could have stopped the misunderstandings and hurt feelings and how I could have handled each step better.

I've made some incredibly thoughtless and stupid mistakes, and I will probably make more in the future. Instead of resisting, I should embrace the mistakes, repent and then let them go. After this experience I am even more determined not to repeat the same mistakes. I really, really don't want to have to deal with these consequences again.

It's okay to grieve. It is not okay to wallow. What was otherwise an awesome week turned into one I'd rather forget.

37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
38 This is the first and great commandment.
39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
- Matthew 22:37-39, The King James Bible

I love this scripture and think about it a lot. Many people interpret this as "treat everyone around you well." I agree with that, but I want to take the idea a step further (or backwards, as it were). Jesus is not just saying "Love God and love others," He includes "thyself" as well. We as individuals know the worst parts of ourselves, but He gives us permission to love ourselves anyway. Yes, we should treat other people well, but we should also treat ourselves just as well. Treating ourselves horribly on the inside and pretending to be positive on the outside defeats the purpose of the Plan of Happiness.

I am not perfect; it's implicit, but it's not an eternal state. As soon as I forget that I have good qualities and can change the bad ones, I stop progressing. I can't be happy, I can't love myself, and I can't love others. Obviously, the best way to learn to like myself is to interact with and serve others, figure out what my strengths and weaknesses are and what makes me happy, and continue to improve my relationships with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

On the positive side, I want to thank Mom, Dad, Pete, Amy W, Jason, Jessie, Kira, Russell, Skye, Laren, Sharon, Aubrey, Sam, Danny, Rossy, Stephanie M, Troy, Peanut, Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Mandee, Rachael, Sabrina, Amy H, Mike, and Debbie for all thinking of me last week, taking the time for a conversation, a hug, something to do when I very much needed a distraction, and more support than you could know. I needed it. You taught me another lession this week -- when all else fails, do NOT leave myself alone with myself! My time with each of you was a balm for my tortured soul. Thank you for being my friends.