Life is Messy

It's been a rough year.

Between friend drama, family member drama, work drama, and personal drama, I'm feeling pretty burned out. I would really, really like something to go the way it's supposed to. Preferably a big, wonderful thing.

I can only blame myself, really. I keep praying for more faith. And Heavenly Father is helping me develop it, even though it sucks and is hard. I can only think that all of this is happening all at once because I have a lot of lessons -- or maybe just one big one -- that I need to learn right now. I have recognized some growth in myself. So, that's good. I hope that I'm developing patience, but I'm not sure I'm there yet.

And when I'm honest with myself, I am grateful that I have my particular problems, because I see what other people have to deal with and I am amazed they still function at all.

But, last week I desperately needed to cry. I wanted to call in sick to work on Friday so I could just stay in bed and cry if I could (you know that feeling when you need to cry but you can't? That was me), but I went to work because I had things to do, and I knew it wouldn't solve anything to sit around and mope.

I was finally able to cry Saturday night. This was after a long, three hour nap, and after the movie Meet the Robinsons loosened up my tear ducts (please tell me I'm not the only one who cries during that movie). I went to my church Stake Center to watch the LDS Women's Conference. At the door, I ran into a girl from my ward, Betsy, and she asked me how I was doing. Her question was all it took and my face crumbled. I felt so guilty I did that to her! However, she is one of the most gracious, calm women ever. She sat me down and I poured out the entire year's worth of hurt and drama and stress upon her listening ear. And I cried a lot. And a couple of other girls from our ward came and sat with us and tactfully didn't listen, but when I was done talking they offered hugs and support.

Then the Conference started, and Sister Beck announced the first song we'd sing was "There is Sunshine in my Soul Today." I cheered. Out loud. I said "Yay!" and a bunch of women turned around to look at me and giggle. I had to laugh, too, and then continued to cry quietly. I didn't sing at all, but I love the song. We also sang "How Firm a Foundation", and between that and Sister Thompson's talk about "the gap between what we know and what we do," I could not deny that Heavenly Father is aware of me, my problems, and my emotional state, and that I was in the right place. I needed to be there.

I want a break. Or better yet, I would like to have fully resolved my feelings and healed from one drama before the next one comes up, so I don't feel dog piled anymore. It's the same philosophy I wish I could apply to work: finish one project before moving on to the next. (Yeah, I haven't been able to do that at work, either.) Unfortunately, or fortunately, that's not the way life works. Life is messy. Everything gets jumbled up on top of the other so that I have to work through it and figure it out as best I can. Multi-tasking isn't just task-based. It's a life concept.

I'm feeling better at the moment. I'm trying to just let what will be, be, and accept that a lot of things that affect me are outside of my control. And I'm trying to honestly believe that not being in control is okay. I am blessed in many ways. I can see Heavenly Father's influence on my life, and I recognize how the Atonement is affecting me. With Jesus Christ's help and my Heavenly Father's blessings, I can do this. I may not like their methods, but if at the end (if there is one) I have the faith I continuously pray for it will all be worth it. I know it will.

Thank goodness I'm not all alone. I don't know what I'd do if I were.