Homer at the Bat

Last night, Fox aired my favorite episode of The Simpsons, entitled "Homer at the Bat". In this episode, Homer is the star of the power plant's softball team. When the team makes it to the championship game, Mr. Burns bets a million dollars his team will win, and then hires professional ball players as ringers. I recorded the episode and watched it twice last night. These lines are funny every time (though possibly less so when written and out of context)!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Mr. Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if *I* cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

Homer Simpson: Hey Clemens, did I make the team?
Roger Clemens: You sure did.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry!
Roger Clemens: Wait a minute. Are you Ken Griffey Jr.?
Homer Simpson: No.
Roger Clemens: Sorry. Didn't mean to get your hopes up.

[Mr. Burns hired a hypnotist to make the plant softball team win]
Hypnotist: You are all very good players.
Players: [chanting in unison] We are all very good players.
Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville.
Players: [chanting in unison] We will beat Shelbyville.
Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent.
Players: [chanting in unison] That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.

Mr. Burns: All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!

Homer Simpson: You're Darryl Strawberry!
Darryl Strawberry: Yes.
Homer Simpson: You play right field.
Darryl Strawberry: Yes.
Homer Simpson: I play right field too.
Darryl Strawberry: So?
Homer Simpson: Well, are you better than me?
Darryl Strawberry: Well, I've never met you, but... yes.