My Book About Me

The last couple of weeks have been a little rough on me. The main reason is because I don't have a play to disappear into. I miss the social and creative outlet. Let's face it, it's hard work being myself and responsible all the time! Work, supervising remodel projects, and church activities take their toll. Luckily, I have friends to hang out with, and family to celebrate with. Plenty to do... but I miss doing a show. Whenever I get in my warm car I think of the year the A/C was out in the car and then I remember that was the year I did Oklahoma. And then I think about how much I love doing an outdoor show. Then I wish I were doing one, even though I know it's not a good idea right now.

I think one of the things I like about being in a play is that it focuses my energy. I spend the rehearsal period studying my character and getting to know her. By the time I start performing, I know that character, and I'm totally confident onstage because I don't have to worry about "what should I do here?" because it comes naturally.

Well, last Friday, I was talking to Wendi about missing doing a show, and she suggested that since I decided with my workload it would be masochistic to audition for one now, I should use this summer to study... myself!


I think it's a great idea. I realized that I don't always have confidence in myself if I'm in an unfamiliar situation. I generally like myself, but I worry all the time that others won't. In truth, I care too much about what others think. Is it because I don't know myself well enough to be proud of who I am? I've been spending so much time playing other characters, I don't really know myself that well without the context of a character. In a play I have a script and a director that I've been working with to prepare for the performance. During real life I can't rely on anyone else. I need to get to know me a little better so I'm prepared and confident and I don't feel like I'm completely improvising during every situation every day of my life! Improvving onstage scares me to death, and in real life it's not much better.

After I left work on Friday, I went to Target and bought a binder and some lined paper, and started making lists. Favorite foods, Talents, Favorite T.V. Shows, Places I Want to Visit, Things I Did as a Kid That I'd Like to Revisit. I think I need to buy a season pass to Hogle Zoo and start drawing my favorite animals, and I'd like to find my bench at the Gateway and do some more writing. This could be a complex character study, because I change from day to day, but I'm having fun! Anytime I start feeling sad about not being in a show, I add to one list or start another. It's a great distraction!

Is it egotistical to study myself? ...maybe, but I don't care. I need this. It's helping me to be happy.

Meanwhile, today at Institute I noticed that my toenail polish matches my new purple purse. I can't tell you how much that tickles me!