A little dating help from my Bishopric

My Mid-Singles ward (consisting of individuals 31-44 years old) has had a new Bishopric for about six months. In the past couple of months, they've begun to more bold at the pulpit about how we need to get serious about pursuing marriage. And you know what? It's kind of nice. I'm not going to pretend I'm always in the mood, and sure I sometimes roll my eyes, but if I'm going to choose to be in a Singles ward what can I expect? They talk about being good mothers and fathers (and husbands and wives) in family wards, so it's only fair.

I think they've been getting bolder and more blatant because our ward does not seem to be getting smaller. I don't know how many people leave, but they read in a good 8-15 new members each week. We have about 700 members who regularly attend Sacrament meeting, three Elders Quorums, six Relief Societies, a ton of Sunday School classes (that are always full), six "counseling" couples who we can talk to if our problem doesn't necessarily require us to talk with the Bishopric, at least six regional Family Home Evening groups, and so forth. It's a little crazy. I can't even imagine being in charge of the spiritual (and in some cases physical and emotional) welfare of that many people. Our Bishopric is amazing.

I say it's a little crazy, and yet, we're the smallest of the three local Mid-Singles wards.

So, I can't blame the Bishopric for being vocal. A lot of what they say makes sense, and I think some of us (including me) need the encouragement and reminders. I sure am comfortable as a single lady. I really liked the approach one of the counselors took last week, telling the elders they should plan to spend Mother's Day next year in a home ward with the mother of their own children (they didn't say there needed to be children, yet, but there should be a wife). Cute!

In Sacrament meeting this week, the Bishop invited a former Mission President and friend of his, Mike Glauser, (who was somehow qualified to give us counsel on dating and relationships even though I wasn't listening to all of the credentials) to speak to our congregation. Bishop said we should take notes, and I'm glad that I did, because he had a lot of good things to say. Maybe they'll be of interest to some of you. I know they gave me a lot to think about.

Getting Married, Staying Married, and Building Relationships

Notes from a talk by Mike Glauser

Sunday, May 19, 2013

1) It's your choice -- God isn't going to tell you who to marry.

• Free agency is a great gift.
• Pray constantly for wisdom to recognize those you could have a successful marriage with.
• You only receive revelation for yourself -- If your date isn't feeling it, you can't make them. You have to respect their agency, too.
• When we make our own choices we are more committed to the outcome than if someone else chooses for us; you are more invested and you try harder to make it work.

2) Place yourself in circulation.

• You can't just pray for God to send you the person you're going to marry; you have to make an effort.
• We've all had relationships that didn't work out and we've all been hurt.
• YOU HAVE TO KEEP TRYING ANYWAY.
• Don't give up hope!
• Through trials and failed relationships, we learn patience, faith, fortitude, and humility; our hearts are purified and our souls expanded.
• "The wrong person is the right person to lead you to the right person."
• The more people you meet, the better choice you'll make.
• He talked about how Nordstrom is required to interview at least 10 people before they can hire someone. That way, they're able to hire the best person available.

3) Develop effective communication skills.

• Communication is a) the ability to express yourself and your life and experience, and b) the ability to listen and care about people and get to know them.
• You must be able to do both to communicate the most effectively.
• Don't be one of those people who just waits for a break in the conversation to say what you want to say, instead of listening to our conversation partner.
• Ask questions and understand what they're really saying, and not just what you think they're saying.
• Don't become hostage to your stories of pain and heartache.
• BE POSITIVE.
• People you are interesting in dating don't really want to hear about how hard your life and past experiences have been.
• Your past relationships should not be allowed to poison your current one.

4) Understand the role of physical attraction.

• Don't buy in to the fantasy -- only 1% of 1% of people fit the "Hollywood" standard.
• Initial physical attraction is only the beginning -- there has to be more than that.
• Wouldn't hurt to read How to Stop Looking for Someone Perfect and Find Someone to Love by Judith Sills
• Hormones are not great for making good choices -- being "out of your mind" in love isn't the best state of mind for choosing a life partner.
• It's okay to be average looking (thank goodness)!
• Common values, interests and attitudes build attractiveness over time.
• Become attractive in your own way
• Make friends and be a friend.
• Find someone you like to be around, makes you feel good about yourself, and makes you want to be a better person.

5) Moral cleanliness is important when choosing someone to marry.

• Immorality makes us emotional, confused, ashamed, and drives the Spirit away.
• Set rules for yourself in advance. When you get serious with someone, discuss the rules together so both of you are clear on what they are.
• When you make mistakes, repent and move on. We're human; don't spend too much time beating yourself up about it.

6) Become who you want to attract.

• Doctrine and Covenants 88 talks about how like things attract -- what we are and who we will become.
• Be very patient.
• Becoming completely perfect will take a lot of time, more than we have in this life.
• Celebrate your humanity, and just pick two or three things for now to work on physically and emotionally.
• Do things you're passionate about! It will make you more interesting and more happy!

7) At some point, commitment is required!

• "Love is not an emotion, passion, or chemistry. It is a commitment to make things work in a positive way."
• Confirmation will not come unless a commitment is made.
• 1-2 years is enough time to know if you like someone. 
• He shared a story about a woman he knew who waited eight years for her boyfriend to be ready. In the ninth year, he married her roommate.
• "It is ironic that life becomes really easy when we accept it's really hard." - Victor Frankel

8) The gospel of Jesus Christ should lead your life.

• We can't control our circumstances. but we CAN control our reaction to our circumstances.
• We agree to sacrifice and give something up.
• Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, serve others. Give. Put others ahead of yourself.
• He told a story about a woman in her forties who started to become bitter about being single. Her Bishop told her to start giving African violets to people who had lost a loved one or was experiencing similar heartache. She did it for 30 years and become known as the lady who gave flowers. She found happiness through service. Many people loved her and attended her funeral.  
• Cultivate love and compassion.
• Make a commitment to God, accept Jesus, be single to God's glory. (Pearl of Great Price, Moses 1:39)
• We will be filled with light and there will be no room for darkness or despair.
• Contribute to the world.
• Doctrine and Covenants 123: 17, "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

Funny enough (well, maybe not "ha ha" funny), I've been working on a "Dating Rant" post. I don't intend to publish it, but I've been feeling a lot of frustration lately and needed to spew it somewhere. So, I appreciated the timing and content of this talk; it gave me an opportunity to reset my attitude (or at least resume work on it). Hopefully I'll approach my next date -- whenever that is -- with a little more positivity and hope :)

Single friends: Good luck.

Married and similarly-committed friends: Keep up the good work!

I love you,

Meg