Happy Friday from FRIENDS

"Hey, you know what might cheer you up?"

Just because it's probably my favorite storyline ever from a Friends episode, I thought I'd share this clip (that sadly cannot be embedded) with you all today.

"Look at me! My big concern is what's real?" Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Let's be honest, girly-girls. Doesn't wearing nicer-than-everyday clothes just make all the mundane stuff we do everyday a tad more fun? Do you kind of wish you could dress like a princess (or a bride) all the time? My day-dreaming heart likes to believe I could carry the magic of that special-occasion dress with me always.

Tonight after my date, I may need to watch 30 Rock while wearing my Arwen gown.

Happy Friday! Hope you all have a reason soon to dress up!

Something's coming

For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to a date. I have a blind date tonight with the brother of a darling friend, and oddly enough I have no expectations about it. I have no idea if we'll get along great or have nothing to say. Considering all the friends we have in common, and the fact that we both enjoy the theatre and have opinions about what makes good theatre I hope we are able to converse well. I may know things about him, but I don't really know him.

Going on a date implies that one of us had the courage to ask, and the other had the courage to accept. Isn't that a lovely thought?

Yes, tonight is a more or less blind date, but he did take the initiative to contact me and ask if I would be interested in the activity, which I am. And I love that he and I have at least one similar blind date rule, which is to meet there rather than the guy pick me up. I like having that measure of control, at least at first. If it doesn't work out, we can part as friends with no awkwardness, and if it does work out then we're excited to see each other again and again there are no expectations or awkwardness. It's kinda nice.

I don't really go out very often. This surprises a lot of people who know me, because I am reasonably good-looking, reasonably informed, cheerful, chatty, and thoughtful. It is the truth, though. I'm a little shy and I don't spend a lot of time around eligible men. I've been known to accept dates because it's been awhile and I am afraid of getting out of practice. I've been known to go on dates I'm not excited about because what if the guy and I are more compatible than my first instincts tell me?

So many times I look at photos of my friends' kids, and read about how good their husbands are to them, and I cry because it seems so impossible that I will ever have that. I'm getting older -- I often FEEL old -- and my prospects are slimmer than they were 10 or 5 years ago. My life is a good one, and it's not the one I ever expected I'd have. Sometimes I fear that what I have now is all I'll ever have...

Then I realize that my life will never remain stagnant because I will never remain stagnant. I can't anticipate what will happen a week, a year, or ten years from now.

Tonight's date, whether or not my date and I hit it off, is the start of something new. Something hopeful. Something relaxed. Something confident. Something joyful. For the first time in a long time, I am going on a date and looking forward to just having a good time with a good guy, and I'm not worried that if it doesn't work out that I won't have another chance for the family and life I've always believed I want.

There's been a change in me.

Something wonderful is coming. I can feel it.

I'm excited!

Tax woes

For a couple of months last year, I did not have a job. I was not getting paid. I had no health care. I made far less last year than in the previous years, and definitely less than I will make this year.

And yet, I'm probably going to be gouged by taxes. I will be very surprised if I get a refund.

I had one job last year where I worked as an independent contractor, and the company I worked with did not deduct the taxes from my paychecks. Fortunately, the other three jobs I had last year did deduct the taxes. I shudder to imagine if they hadn't!

The first repayment on the tax credit from when I bought my house two-and-a-half years ago has come due. If I make the minimum payment, I'll be repaying this debt for the next 15 years. At least there's no interest (yay).

Next year, I'll probably have to start repaying the credit I got for my windows.

I wish I'd had the option to refuse those tax credits. I wish I'd done more research on them at the time.

This year, I might be eligible for another credit, but since I don't know where I'll be two years from now, I kind of wish I had the option to refuse it. Even better if I can funnel the credit toward paying off my other credits. Seriously, I feel like the previous two are just digging me into a deeper hole! How is anyone supposed to get out of debt, ever? I LOATHE being in debt!

I miss the days when I looked forward to my tax refund. Thank goodness I have a little bit of money saved. I'd be in big trouble if I didn't, and FAR more stressed than I am.

Would have been nice to spend that money on fun things, like a trip to Europe.

At least I know some of my taxes are going to things I approve of.

And having to pay taxes means that I did make some money last year. It's nice to be able to support myself. I have been very, very blessed.

I AM really excited that this year I decided to hire an accountant friend take care of my taxes for me. Hopefully he knows some tricks to help me out a bit. He was also out of work for awhile last year, so he can sympathize! Just waiting for him to let me know the damage. He said it should be ready in the next few days.

Being an adult is hard.

Audition anxiety

Last night after my latest audition, my mom asked how it went, and I told her it had gone fine in spite of my nerves. Her response was,

"You still get nervous after all this time?"

It's true, I've probably been to at least 200 auditions, and I still get nervous at every one. It doesn't matter how prepared or unprepared I am. It doesn't matter if I know the director or not (actually, I get more nervous when I do know the director or anyone else on the pro team). It doesn't matter how much I tell myself I don't care about the show... even if I only have lukewarm feelings before I arrive, by the time I get in front of that panel I really want the show and I really want to impress them!

The last three audition experiences have all been really different. For Urinetown, I went in alone and the director didn't say much, but I felt really good about both my song and cold reading. When I auditioned for The Scarlet Pimpernel, I thought the dance was easy and I loved my song choice, but my monologue was really frenetic (it wasn't supposed to be quite that full of nerves). I didn't get called back for either show, and I wasn't surprised. I was glad I gave both of them a shot, though. They were good learning experiences.

Yesterday's audition for Annie Get Your Gun was neither my best or worst. I worked with the director and the music director during the 1940s Radio Hour and was a little too comfortable and nervous and it didn't help that I'd been waiting awhile and was tired too... I actually admitted that I hadn't sung my song with the piano accompaniment (I picked it out and started practicing a week ago but didn't have a chance to find someone to play it for me). Stop talking, Megan. The middle was a bit rocky, but it ended well! I was very pleased with my cold reading. I really think I nailed it. It's just nice to feel like I did something right, you know? Anyway, I got a callback, so I'll let you know how it goes.

You know what's crazy? Seeing a ton of talented women at an audition (many of whom I know) and knowing that every one of them believes they would be terrific playing the same role. I am always glad that I'm not casting, and can never figure out how in the world the director is going to put the show together. That has got to be a tough job! It goes without saying that I want to be the one they're looking for, but it's unrealistic to believe that I'll be the lucky leading lady every time.

Every audition is different. It's always a little scary. I can't control what the director or accompanist or anyone else thinks or does. All I can do is prepare the best I can, perform like it's the only time I'll get the chance, and hope it all works out!

I hope I get to do a show this summer.


left: Oklahoma, where my audition was a mess... and ultimately resulted in my playing Ado Annie, my first singing lead in a legitimate musical. I can never predict what a director is looking for!

The Dating Books Book Club

A few months ago, I was sitting around with several girlfriends, and as single women often do we got on the subject of boys and dating. Someone (possibly me because I remember talking about a guy I was frustrated about, but it could have been someone else) mentioned an awesome book she'd read on the subject, and before we knew it, all four of us were talking about the different books we had read that we'd really found insightful and helpful. Surprisingly, not many of the suggested books overlapped, meaning, none of us had read the same books. But we all agreed we wanted to read them all.

So, I made a list of all of the books, glued the list into the front of my journal, and suggested we start a "Dating Books" book club. I even volunteered to host the first meeting, which for me is a big deal. We decided to start with How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp (published in hardcover as How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, but the text is exactly the same).

Holy cow -- it's a good book! I borrowed it from the library, but I may have to buy a copy so I can go back and refresh myself on certain things. I think Larissa said it best during our discussion, when she said the best thing about the book is that it gives you advice, and then gives practical AND scientific data to back up his research. It isn't just some guy's opinions; he has a lot of other professional people and statistics backing him up. This psychologist spent ten years trying to get the book right, and I am grateful for it.

I truly believe that all single people would benefit from reading this book, whether they are looking for Mr. or Miss Right, or trying to determine whether their current significant other is someone they really want to be with. It might even be a good thing for people in committed relationships to read. It gave me a lot to think about. Sure, I reflected on some of the crummy guys I've dated, but I've also seen ways that I could have behaved better, and thought a lot about why I do some of the relationship-killing things I do. I have a lot to work on. I don't want to be a jerk. I also don't want to be with a jerk. Thinking about having the kind of healthy relationship that Dr. Van Epp describes makes me tired and frustrated and scared and stressed... but I also feel it's possible and something I very much want. I want a happy, committed, lasting marriage, and I'll do what I must to get it, even it if means I must face my demons and actively not allow others to abuse me with theirs.

The funny part was talking to my friend Nichole about a new guy she's seeing after we read the book. She was trying so hard not to get swept up and lose her head before she knew him very well, but he was blowing her away with his sweetness and romance! There are still good guys out there, even if they are a little bit harder to find :-) 

The next couple of books we'll be reading seem to be an extension of what we learned in How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. Less scientific, but hopefully just as useful in their own ways. Right now I'm reading my way through He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I've read it before and I love it for enabling me to not allow my dates to treat me badly. However, although I feel like the advice is solid, I hesitate to buy it or recommend it to others because of crude and some profane language. Sigh.

(By the way, for those of my single girlfriends who are thinking "why the heck wasn't I invited to be a part of this book club?!!" please don't be mad at me! We decided to keep the numbers small for now, even though I really do think a lot of people could benefit from the information in these books. If you want, I'll keep you posted on what we're reading, or even give you the list. Be prepared, though, it's a long list!)

By the time I finish all of these books and really learn to apply what I've learned, I'll consider myself a Ph. D in dating. I like the sound of that. With a little luck and a lot of work, someday soon I'll be a Ph. D in marriage, too!

"Our parents are making us do this"

I've been following the Utah Bride Blog ever since they ran a photo spread on my brother and sister-in-law last year. I love the gorgeous couples, eclectic decorating ideas, flower arrangements, color combinations, tips on how to hold/throw the bouquet, etc. etc. etc. It's so fun to see what blogger Megan highlights every day!

However, I've been noticing a couple of photo shoot trends that I do not particularly like. The first is sepia-tinted photos that make them look old-fashioned. Blech. Yes, the sepia/washed-out tint makes them look airy and romantic, but I find it annoying anyway. I'm a fan of bright colors and color contrasts.

The second are artsy photos where you can't see the couple's faces, and when you do they aren't smiling. The first time I saw a photo like this (at least 10 years ago), one of my friends commented that the caption should be "Our parents are making us do this" and now I can't help but think of that every time I see a similar photo. I like the idea of people being in a natural setting, and sure smiling photos can come across as cheesy, but at the same time, when ELSE will it be acceptable to be cheesy and sappy and overt in your obvious affection (this goes along with my "when else will you get to wear a veil" sentiment that despises the current trend not to wear a veil)? I HOPE the couple is affectionate off-camera... and though I should state that I think kissing photos are tacky, again I reiterate that at no time are they as appropriate as engagement/wedding photos.

So, when I saw this post yesterday, I rolled my eyes and typed in a comment:

This couple looks fabulous, and I also adore the checkered shirt and solid tie!

However, I feel like this session highlights a trend I am NOT a fan of: no smiling photos. I understand the idea that they’re supposed to look natural, but they don’t look happy. They look bored. They aren’t even looking at each other. Half the time, we can’t even see their faces. They’re spending so much time trying to look edgy and cool that they don’t look like they’re having any fun.

Just my opinion. Like I said, the photos are gorgeous and so is the couple. I hope they have a long happy life together!

Yeah, it's a little harsh. After all, those may just be the photos that the photographer or the blogger picked out. Maybe there are a ton of smiling photos, they just weren't as artsy or in fitting with the theme. And then I realized that if I were that bride or that photographer and someone posted that comment, it might hurt my feelings. Who am I to judge people I don't even know and am not likely to meet?

But, if you look at the actual post, and scroll down the comment, you'll notice that all that was posted is:

This couple looks fabulous, and I also adore the checkered shirt and solid tie!

I feel censored and at the same time relieved. At least I have an idea of what I want for myself. Maybe not all of my engagement photos will be totally cheesy, but we'll be smiling and laughing as much as we can!

I must say, though, I had to laugh and roll my eyes again when I saw the photos in today's UBB post. At least the blogger saw my ranting comment! Whether or not it makes a difference doesn't really matter, 'cause I have no idea if my comment had anything to do with the fact that there are very few bored-looking photos of today's couple. BTW, I LOVE Alie's dress and turquoise shoes!!

Hooray for happy couples! You give me something to celebrate and hope for!