Something's coming

For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to a date. I have a blind date tonight with the brother of a darling friend, and oddly enough I have no expectations about it. I have no idea if we'll get along great or have nothing to say. Considering all the friends we have in common, and the fact that we both enjoy the theatre and have opinions about what makes good theatre I hope we are able to converse well. I may know things about him, but I don't really know him.

Going on a date implies that one of us had the courage to ask, and the other had the courage to accept. Isn't that a lovely thought?

Yes, tonight is a more or less blind date, but he did take the initiative to contact me and ask if I would be interested in the activity, which I am. And I love that he and I have at least one similar blind date rule, which is to meet there rather than the guy pick me up. I like having that measure of control, at least at first. If it doesn't work out, we can part as friends with no awkwardness, and if it does work out then we're excited to see each other again and again there are no expectations or awkwardness. It's kinda nice.

I don't really go out very often. This surprises a lot of people who know me, because I am reasonably good-looking, reasonably informed, cheerful, chatty, and thoughtful. It is the truth, though. I'm a little shy and I don't spend a lot of time around eligible men. I've been known to accept dates because it's been awhile and I am afraid of getting out of practice. I've been known to go on dates I'm not excited about because what if the guy and I are more compatible than my first instincts tell me?

So many times I look at photos of my friends' kids, and read about how good their husbands are to them, and I cry because it seems so impossible that I will ever have that. I'm getting older -- I often FEEL old -- and my prospects are slimmer than they were 10 or 5 years ago. My life is a good one, and it's not the one I ever expected I'd have. Sometimes I fear that what I have now is all I'll ever have...

Then I realize that my life will never remain stagnant because I will never remain stagnant. I can't anticipate what will happen a week, a year, or ten years from now.

Tonight's date, whether or not my date and I hit it off, is the start of something new. Something hopeful. Something relaxed. Something confident. Something joyful. For the first time in a long time, I am going on a date and looking forward to just having a good time with a good guy, and I'm not worried that if it doesn't work out that I won't have another chance for the family and life I've always believed I want.

There's been a change in me.

Something wonderful is coming. I can feel it.

I'm excited!