Communication Skills

I need to be a bit more realistic and firm and re-learn how to say "No." I used to be fairly good at it, but I've become timid, and I'm not being clear and I'm not being heard. As I read the segment below, I can see exactly what I'm doing wrong as the sender and why I'm not getting what I want. Sometimes I wish the receiver could just read my mind and appreciate and understand my point of view!

Communication is a circle, not a one-way street. You hear people say in life, "but I told him!" as if telling at somebody were sufficient. If he hasn't received what you've told him, there is no communication. It takes two to communicate: the sender and the receiver. The receiver has to acknowledge the message by sending a reply back to the sender, thus completing the circle before a communication has taken place.

This imposes a constant obligation on the part of the sender to (1) make sure his message is clear and (2) check that the receiver has received it. And an obligation on the part of the receiver to (1) make sure he's heard the message and is able to duplicate it and (2) let the sender know he's received the message. Without the process of duplication there is no communication.

Communication's not easy. We all tend to be lazy, thinking, "Well, I said it and it's his fault if he doesn't get it." Every time we think that, the communication fails. It's hard work communicating. Particularly because we must constantly play both roles, the sender and the receiver. Many of us prefer to play only one role, convinced we're not up to the schizophrenic activity of being two. But two we must be if communication is to take place...

Think of it as a circle; what you send out, you must get back. Until the circle is completed, you can't go onto the next step in the communication process.

Let us call each act of communication a cycle. When the circle is not completed, people get stuck in that particular cycle. Either they go over it again and again, or they close up; either way they are not open to hearing the next cycle of communication. If the sender goes blithely on, he has left the receiver behind; he's now talking to himself. Soon he'll blame the receiver for not listening; or the receiver will say, "I don't know what you're talking about," and hostility will result. A collision, head on, because communication has not taken place.

Worse, there may be no overt declaration from either the sender or the receiver that the communication has broken down, and each will assume he has understood. On the basis of misunderstanding, they will plunge ahead into further and further difficulties, blames, misconceptions -- all of which will inevitably lead to hostility...

Ask yourself: Am I sending out and getting back feelings, or am I just talking?

From "Guidepost #7: Communication and Competition" in Audition by Michael Shurtleff