Letters to people

Dear landing outside of my front door,
Why are you suddenly smelling so odd? And what is that smell? It's like some dentist-office/pulpotomy paste hybrid... I hope you dissipate SOOOON!


Dear Glee,
Thank you for your episode this week. It was timely and wonderful and sensitively handled. Wish all of your episodes were so tasteful.
p.s. Please consider making this a true ensemble show. Less Rachel would be appreciated.



Dear Total Player,
If you want to have a conversation, please call me. I'm bored with the cryptic and "cutesy" texts. I don't get unlimited texting, and I find that a conversation of more than 4 texts is stupid and frustrating. I believe I've told you as much at least twice. Oh, and ask me out. "Hanging out" is not a date; it's just lazy. I've only met you in person one time and I'm not comfortable with hanging out at your place with your roommates that I have never met. You may all be stand-up guys...but you might not. Better safe than sorry, and the old social norms were good for a lot of reasons.


Dear Grey's Anatomy,
Re this week's episode:
1) I understand why for narrative's sake why we needed the comic relief of Callie and Arizona stressing out about Owen and Cristina moving out. But, from a logical standpoint I spent the ENTIRE episode wondering why they don't just move into Arizona's apartment?
2) I am thirty-two and a virgin, and I plan to remain so until after marriage. I don't think that makes me a "loser" or "weird" or "pathetic." I think it makes me smart to avoid STDs and unplanned pregnancy. Thanks for treating my valid life choice like it's somehow "wrong."
3) Love that April finally said to her whiney coworkers what the rest of us were thinking. I'm liking her more and more.
4) Please don't have Cristina quit the program! I love her and don't want her to leave!!!!


Dear Besty,
Remember when I said I miss getting to see you every day, and you said "remember when we took it for granted?" I do remember, and I think we need to plan a way to make it happen again. I completely adore you.


Dear Marian in Sam's Club's photo department,
Thanks for remembering me today, and for saying I look like my mom. It's nice we've become so close this week while I've taken all of my negatives to you. You did a great job, and I'll be a customer for years to come.


Dear 1940s Radio Hour,
I'm back and forth, but I think ultimately I'm glad I didn't audition for you. The cast that I know of is brilliantly talented, and I think I'm still enjoying my "free time" a bit too much to give it up just yet. Meanwhile, auditions for two other shows I want to audition for are just a few short weeks away...


Dear weather outside,
Thank you for finally acting like October. I'm thrilled to wear my sweaters and cute boots. Three days of rain was a bit much, though. Especially since I seem to get sick every time the weather changes. Oh, well.

p.s. If any of you out there decide you don't want your pumpkin seeds after you carve your pumpkins, please give them to me. With my hand still out of commission I can't de-seed my own :(


Dear place where I work,
Boy, you sure know how to throw a party! Thanks again for the pizza, the chance to get to know my coworkers a bit better, and the bajillion arcade tokens. Nice to know I'm still good at skee-ball and Dance Dance Revolution, that I'm too short for most competitive car-racing games, I'm unlucky at Deal or No Deal, and I'm #1 at Wacky Gator. Such a lovely way to spend the better part of Friday afternoon!


Dear people who choose to look at their cell phones/palm pilots/other electronics that light up even after someone has asked them to shut them off for the duration of the play or movie,
Guess what? If you're at a play, the actors can see when a previously dark audience suddenly lights up, even if you hold it down near your feet. If you're at a movie, make sure you're the only person there, because otherwise you're going to bother someone. Turn the phone OFF and then keep it in your purse or pocket for the duration of the production. And if someone (me) does have to tell you to put it away, be polite and just do it. I am not trying to pick on you and I'm usually very nice. Obviously it bugged me enough that I just interrupted my theatre enjoyment and missed something onscreen/onstage to talk to you. I did not spend my money just to have you distract me every 10 minutes. Don't make it worse by further acting like a jerk.


Dear Sassyjose,
I stand by what I said: I think you're a better Sue Sylvester than Jane Lynch. I want you to go on Glee and play a character that's exactly like Sue, and everyone can see it but her (I don't care how overdone that plot device is). Also, I hope that you get an awesome grade on your paper. Otherwise, I'll have to send some hit men up to Montana on your behalf.


Dear cheaper-than-cheap cell phone,
I've said some unflattering, but really I am grateful that you have worked so well for the last six months. You send and receive phone calls with no problems, people hear me, I get my text messages, and it doesn't get stuck. Even though I'll be replacing you soon, I am glad you've been so good to me. I need that after the drama from the previous phone.

C'est tout!

Sincerely,
Miss Megan